“My roommate’s diary says I have boundary issues.”

“Walking out of class with icicles made out of tears running down my cheeks.”

“Not sure if it’s a fire alarm or 2 girls seeing each other for the first time since last semester.”

“Will the bookstore accept a kidney as a form of payment?”

“When your touch ID won’t work so you have to unlock your phone like a muggle.”

“How to terrify your roommate in three words: ‘where’s our toothbrush?’”

“I saw the hottest girl ever on campus today… then I realized I was walking past a mirror.”

“I would like to thank everyone buying Powerball tickets and contributing to the overall jackpot I’ll be winning.”

“My ex told me he is still in love with me… I told him I don’t blame him.”

“Today, my professor began class with ‘I may have accidentally overdosed, so if I pass out you guys can leave, just don’t step on me.’”