By TODD M. BUTKOVICH

Guest Columnist

I have a special announcement, and it pains me to make it. 

I, Todd M. Butkovich, have been caught engaging with prostitutes.

Over the past 15 years I have proudly served as a columnist for The Oakland Post, and in that time, I have written many important, earth-shattering articles. 

Among them have been dozens of pieces detailing the immorality and the dangers of prostitution, such as “Prostitution — it’s very, very bad,” “A moral outrage,” and my award-winning 11 part series “I am better than people who go to prostitutes.”  

And of course, who could forget my column demanding an end to all irony on campus.

Then, the news broke early last week that I had been caught in a prostitution scandal on a federal wiretap. I find this to be unfair. 

It’s obvious the Feds were targeting me based solely on the fact that I was breaking the law, which, to me, is the definition of discriminatory behavior. 

I was profiled and that is wrong. 

Had I not been doing something illegal, I doubt federal prosecutors would even be looking into my actions.

Innocent people would never receive this harsh treatment, and for that, the system needs to change.

Anyway, the facts are simple. While working for The Oakland Post, I spent more than $80,000 on high-price prostitutes. 

Okay, more like “medium-range price prostitutes.” All right, I’ll be perfectly honest: they were “low-cost prostitutes,” and that’s being very generous.

Most of all, I regret being caught. Actually, that’s really all I regret. And maybe the cheap when it came to prostitute selection. 

But mostly just the ‘being caught’ thing.

In these trying times, I’d like to thank some of the most important people in my life for their guidance and support. 

My family, who will continue to stand by me at my numerous future press conferences as I go into every embarrassing detail over and over again, allowing themselves to be mocked and ridiculed in the press. 

I’d like to thank my editor, Alex Cherup, and the staff of The Oakland Post for their support, and for providing me with an $80,000 expense account that enabled me to make this apology.

Last, but not least, I need to thank the women who made this all possible: Trixie, Cinnamon, Agnes, Gertrude, and of course, the other Trixie.

But in trying times like these, I think it’s important to look to the future. That is why I’m here to announce that I will be stepping down from my unofficial post as adjunct columnist, effective on graduation day.

In the meantime, however, I will continue to write and publish articles without even the slightest acknowledgment of my hypocrisy. 

So continue to look forward to columns condemning prostitution, as well as other vices I may or may not be caught engaging in on federal wiretaps in the coming months, such as gambling, fraud, turning right at red lights, and, of course, plagiarism.

But as for now, I need to get away from the horrible scandal that is ruining my life and career. Good thing I know the perfect way to relieve stress…

* Editor’s Note: The Oakland Post did not actually provide Todd M. Butkovich with an $80,000 expense account nor is he an Oakland Post staff member.