You can do it, Brucey — Overcoming the dangers of school parking

By Chris Peralta

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The dangerous parking lots of Oakland leave their mark… on my car’s doors.

Throughout the nearly four years that I’ve been an Oakland student, I’ve learned a lot of things about the campus.

Here are a few examples of the things that I’ve learned:

1.) Don’t walk into the road without waiting for someone to stop. Late college students will run you over if they must.

2.) The OC’s doors that face Bear Lake aren’t in unison and they will probably never be adjusted while I’m here.

3.) The deer are not scared of you.

4.) If you ever need to take a nap, Kresge’s study rooms provide the perfect amount of noise-cancellation.

And finally, the most important thing that I learned from this campus is this: no one, ever, cares about the well-being of your car.

Before I got my lease, this wasn’t a problem. I hated my previous car with a passion and when it finally got “retired” by a 4×4 that didn’t look both ways on Walton, I had a chance to start anew.

“I can’t wait to get a new car,” I said as I searched the Interwebs for something in my price range. Then my dad suggested I get a lease; I had enough money saved up and it would help me grow a great credit score, so I decided to go with it.

At the end of December 2010 I was the proud new owner of a foreign car, and I named him Bruce.

What? A guy can’t name his car? Ships are ladies. Why can’t cars be dudes?

Anyway, for an undisclosed amount a month I could pay off my lease in two out of its three-year contract.

I was happy and full of life; I had Bruce and a new girlfriend. All was well in the world, until I got my first dent.

It was and still is in my passenger door. I saw it and was immediately enraged. This had never happened before, this car was mine, and I would eventually have to pay for the damages!

That’s why I have never parked in Varner’s parking lot since then.

My first dent happened two years ago, and now I have roughly 37 of them, including scratches. So to keep the forthcoming bills out of my mind, I like to keep Bruce dirty, so neither he nor I can see his scratches and dents.

But we both know that they’re there, just under the surface, reminding us that no one cares about anyone else’s car on this campus.

What can I do to make you people not hate Bruce? Is it because he’s foreign? Is that why you are so cruel to him? He can’t do anything to change what he is! He hasn’t done anything wrong! I can promise you that!

On the other hand, Bruce could be a Decepticon that fights the Autobots of this campus single-handedly, and the rest of the students aren’t to blame after all.

I wonder if Bruce’s car company will understand that when I return him at the end of this year.

Until then, stay away from Bruce. Or he’ll disintegrate you with his plasma cannon.