The top 10 reasons to not drink and text

You don’t need me to tell you that you shouldn’t drink and drive, but arguably just as important is the fact you should not drink and text either.

Somehow, when we become inebriated, our phones become a magical source of wonder, beckoning us to use them.

“Come on! Text people! It can’t hurt and it will certainly not come back to bite you,” my phone said.

In retrospect, I should not have listened. But now you can learn from my mistakes. Here are the top 10 reasons why you should not drink and text:

10. Just like the pattern of  YouTube comments on any video, your messages will slowly become more overtly aggressive and/or sexual.

9. Your parents will not be as proud of your inebriation as you might think.

8. Nor will your boss.

7. That girl who stood you up last August? It’s not a good idea to call her up and tell her how much she missed out, while slurring every word.

6. As much as you wish it were true, you are no Casanova. I am. So texting someone “Hey, sweetheart,” turns into “Herrrty sweueatheart. ;)”

5. The word “Hey,” should only have one y. “Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ;)” is not cute, nor will it ever work.

4. Also, the winky face is not your friend. Use it with discretion.

3. You remember that time you texted your girlfriend and told her she could stand to lose a few pounds? Didn’t think so. Oh, you’re not together anymore? Shocker. I wonder why.

2. Uh oh. You didn’t just text Kelly your girlfriend. You just texted Kelly your co-worker. Get ready for that sexual harassment lawsuit.

1. Sometimes auto-correct can be a real batch.