By JESSE DUNSMORE

Senior Reporter

A lot of important network organizations have mottos. CNN is “The most trusted name in news.” Fox News says, “We report. You decide. (We tell you if your decision is correct or treasonous).” C-SPAN’s is “Now with two cameras!” American Idol has “Seacrest, out.”

Here at The Post, we’ve finally adopted a catchphrase, one that we hope will echo in your minds throughout the coming weeks: “Work for us. We pay money.”

Due to a horrifying alignment of the planets and college careers of our staff members, the vast majority of our staff is graduating in May. This is obviously a problem, as it takes 14 people just to operate the printing press in our sub-basement, 15 if you want someone to keep scaring away the plague-rats.

We’ll probably be upgrading to a steam-powered press over the summer, though, and we should have the staff for that. But we still need people to produce/spew and edit/mutilate content for the paper.

I can tell you right now, the perks of working for the paper far outweigh the disadvantages of being eaten alive by sea lampreys.

You can get involved just by showing up at any of our Monday writers’ meetings, where you can hear a bunch of story ideas listed off and then pick one based on how likely it is you’ll be able to finish it before “The Office” comes on. If your schedule doesn’t let you make it to a meeting, just e-mail every single editor demanding to be put on their story list.

Use at least 10 exclamation points throughout the e-mail, and if possible attach a photo of yourself snarling.

As a freelancer, you’ll make money per story, based on word count, our budget, the time of the month, and the price per barrel of oil. Check first.

If you can afford more commitment, come in and get an application. There are several positions open, though I honestly don’t care to check which ones.

Suffice it to say that as a newspaper, we have several sections, each with its own editor, and if you have any desire to crush the dreams of a writer, you should go for one of these.

You’ll be responsible for coming up with story ideas, setting deadlines, watching them fly by without a peep from writers, and madly assembling your section at 4 p.m. on our final production day. We supply three intravenous bags of pure adrenaline for each editor to help keep them at peak energy levels throughout the semester.

Or you could apply for the managing editor position. I don’t have the job description handy, but I’m pretty sure from observation it involves stealing my guitar, watching funny videos on YouTube, and assisting the editor-in-chief by demanding new headlines for most of the stories at 10 minutes to midnight the day before the paper is published.

Unfortunately, the editor-in-chief position has been filled. Four times, in fact, over the last two years. One of them fled the state, I think.

But regardless of the position you seek, I can promise you that it will be a great source of experiences. Take note, I didn’t say “experience.” I mean, you’ll get that, too. But what can compare to these opportunities?

-Help returning editor Nick Degel quit smoking! Nick had, at some point, quit smoking. Then he became an editor. His desk currently features multiple signs bearing the words: “EVERY TIME YOU MISS A DEADLINE, NICK SMOKES A CIGARETTE. WHY DO YOU INSIST ON KILLING HIM?” I figure if writers got him into this, they can get him out.

-Develop an emotional bond with a co-worker, only to have your heart shattered. Those who know me know that I am of course referring to my turbid relationship with Mouthing Off editor Alex Cherup. Until recently, I was his favorite columnist. But as soon as a hairier chin came along … Alex, I DRESSED AS A COWBOY FOR YOU! Would Butkovich do that? Would Palmer? Well, Palmer posed naked. But pardon me for not being easy!

-Enjoy lucrative offers, like, “Hey, Jesse, I bet you want to go to the DIA today to cover their grand re-opening!” Also, forget that the DIA isn’t open to the public on Monday or Tuesday. Then realize you forgot to charge your camera’s batteries as it dies while snapping pictures of the exterior of the DIA. Oh, and enjoy the hail. Yes, this all happened in one day. It was spectacular.

-With a totally straight face, ask over a dozen people if they use condoms regularly, and try not to laugh when they tell you they don’t think that this is an area where anyone has AIDS.

-Try to find a nice way to phrase a question about whether or not they regularly sleep with people they aren’t dating.

-Learn the true meaning of futility as you ask OU students for their opinions on anything. My impression of an extremely eager OU student giving a comment: “Oh, yeah, I care about [issue]. Why? Uh, I dunno.”

-The final and most compelling reason to work here is to replace me. I’m leaving—and there’s gotta be someone funnier.

Dunsmore, out.

Jesse Dunsmore is not an authorized recruiter for The Oakland Post, and his reasons for working here do not mirror those of The Post. In fact, we really wish he’d move off the couch and stop yelling at us during our meetings.