By ALEX CHERUP

Guest Columnist

I have an official announcement of the utmost importance.

To the staff and readers of The Oakland Post, The Oakland University community, and the bored and uninterested orientation parent flipping through the student newspaper to kill time, I disclose the following: I, Mouthing Off Editor Alex Cherup, am retiring.

After 33 years of (somewhat) devoted service to The Oakland Post, I am closing up shop. Throwing in the towel. Sailing off into the sunset. Singing my last refrain. Serving my last detention. Unclogging the last john. Faking my last gonorrhea. Invading my last sovereign nation. Going on my last wild goose chase.  

In other words, give me my clock. I am done. What more can I say ­— I am fresh out of annoying analogies.

So, as they say in “The Producers”: “Au revior. Adios. Auf wiedershen. Good-bye. Get lost.” Seriously, leave me alone already. I’m not joking – I’m through.

Honestly, why are you still reading? Get a life.

Editor’s Note: Retired Mouthing Off Editor Alex Cherup was not joking. He has decided to retire halfway through this column. Unfortunately, it is legal for him to do this, as his contract called for one million words. “Gonorrhea” was his millionth word. Since we have extra space, and this is a travel-themed issue, The Oakland Post has decided to publish a piece on this topic from Cherup’s vault of unreleased material, from earlier this year: When I retire, after I write my last column (or portion of a column), I plan to travel the world and the seven seas, much like that song with synthesizers suggests.

However, with the increasing gas prices and the declining dollar, I do not know if I will be able to afford to gallop around the globe on an Oakland Post pension.

Airplanes have become the typical college students of the sky: cheap, obnoxious and, more often than not, high.

I half expected to be served Ramen noodles on my last flight to Vegas.

On the whole, the flight industry is struggling more and more to get off the ground. For one thing, airlines are obsessed with adding charges: surcharges, fees, fines, memberships, taxes and other forms of robbery covered up by business BS lexicon.

Also, airlines seem to be cutting costs wherever possible. At the current rate of penny-pinching, I am surprised there are still flight attendants on the planes.

Now I’ll admit that airlines have always been somewhat parsimonious. In the past, airlines have refused to even purchase life vests. Is there anything stingier than using a seat cushion as a flotation device? It almost seems like a flippant joke.

If I were a lifeguard, imagine the anger that would result if I were to use an airplane seat cushion as a life preserver. I’m sure the reaction would be very negative, especially when it was discovered I cannot swim (and to all those who demand I learn how to swim, please let me drown in peace).

Nevertheless, the benefits of flying are disappearing and the costs increasing. It implicitly makes my membership to the Mile High Club much more expensive.

The first obnoxious price increase involves luggage. I recently paid $15 for my clothes to accompany me to Costa Rica. As annoying as this is, it is a wonderful business move: Charging extra for a necessity. It’s like an extra fee for limbs: “Your flight is $99, however we ask for $10 extra for each arm, $15 extra for each leg.”

It’s like a restaurant renting out plates and silverware.

Of course, many will claim, one does not need more than carry-on luggage to comfortably travel. My response is one can also, just as comfortably, eat directly off the table with their bare hands.

If one can, however, avoid checking luggage, the benefits exceed merely escaping the charge. In some ways, the added fee may be a positive step for flying. Check-in is swifter, packing is easier, personal belongings do not end up in Minneapolis or Denver and time is saved circumventing the world’s most boring parade, the baggage retrieval mechanism.

I have concluded, if there is a hell, it consists merely of a luggage retrieval device that never supplies your baggage. Ultimately, you spend the rest of eternity waiting and asking “Have you seen a blue suitcase with a red ribbon on it?”

And at least Henny Youngman was fed foodstuff that tasted like Purina puppy chow back in the day. On my most recent excursion out to Las Vegas, I was expected to subsist without any sustenance for over four hours.

Not like six peanuts and a glass full of ice would have really made anything much better – it was just the thought that counts.

Perhaps Homeland Security isn’t allowing airlines to carry more than three ounces of liquid onto the plane.

Most ridiculous, nevertheless, was a recent additional move to save cash. Northwest, soon-to-be Delta Airlines, is planning to remove all apparatuses involved in showing movies to passengers. The rationale is the lost weight will save on fuel. Personally, I’m not going to miss seeing the latest Hugh Jackman or Cameron Diaz flick with no sound (the headset costs two dollars, which is two dollars more than I am willing to pay to see Cameron Diaz), however, I think the reason is absurd: To save weight? Honestly, there is nothing heavy about “The Holiday.”

And while we are on the subject, I can think of a few other things that add excess pounds to the airplane: first class passengers. It’s about time we removed those as well. I may be thirsty, but at least I don’t have to look pretentiousness right in the eye when I board the plane.

So, after the added fees, charges and surcharges in the name of “convenience,” parking payments, insurance, cab rides, overpriced airport meals, confiscated shampoo and toothpaste, flying can be quite costly. And with the recent loss of one of the airline industries largest critics, George Carlin, flying has never been more annoying.

At least this column in The Oakland Post is free.