By Jared Purcell

You/Local Editor

Whatever the reason, the Olympics are truly inspirational — so much so that I decided to become an Olympian. Yes, London 2012, get ready for the next great Olympian: Jared Purcell of the United States of America.

Laugh all you want, but out of the 175 different events that a male could participate in at the Beijing Summer Olympics (165 male, 10 intramural), there has to be something that I can do in ’12, right?

As a track and field runner in high school, I know that I’m not good enough to qualify in any of those events — even if I dope for four years. With 151 events to choose from, I technically have an awesome chance of breaking Michael Phelps’ record of eight gold medals in a single Olympics.

Speaking of Phelps — who I consider “The Dark Knight” of the Olympics (both managed to live up to incredible hype) —  I turn my attention to swimming. Cincinnati Bengals wide-receiver Chad Johnson said he and people he knows from his hometown could beat Phelps in the pool. Why should I be any different?

I was excited to find out that freestyle swimming means that you can swim in any fashion that you want. My excitement quickly faded once I found out that the doggy paddle isn’t up to par with qualifying times and snorkeling isn’t sanctioned by the Olympics. So, I decided to try something else.

Diving? Cannon balls and belly flops are not scoring techniques.

Water polo? I only tread water as a way to counteract drowning. Polo would be too much multitasking.

How about synchronized swimming? My buds laughed at me when I said I wanted to get a team together because  it’s a women’s only event.

Alright, enough of the water stuff. There are still 129 events to choose from.

Even though it looks hard, I decided to give gymnastics a shot. If the alleged 12-year-old Chinese girls’ team can do it, why can’t a 21-year-old man do it? My first attempt was a cartwheel and let’s just say that I’m going to try something else before I lose too much dignity.

In track cycling, I’m pretty sure I would fall over on the banked corners. Road cycling, I hate biking up inclines. Mountain biking, I hate biking mountains. And don’t get me started on BMX. It’s more disorienting than a roller coaster.

I’m starting to get frustrated. Surely there has to be something left that I can do.

Baseball? I have a hard enough time in my slow-pitch softball league.

Softball? Once again, I’m in a slow-pitch softball league.

Basketball? I’m the air-ball champion.

Table tennis? I like to call it “ping pong.” Beer pong is about as good as I get in that realm.

Equestrian. Wait, equestrian? They allow horses to win medals these days? Interesting.

At 136 pounds, weightlifting and wrestling are out of the question for me. The only thing more disgraceful than attempting those events would be watching the Spanish basketball team offend the Chinese by slanting their eyes in a promotional picture. Thank you, Spanish ballers, for setting the standard in that category.

By this time, I’ve lost count of events I have left.

I’ve seen fencing in person and there is no way I’m going to swing a saber at another person if they have one too. It can get pretty nasty.

I’ll do canoeing if I’m allowed to stop along the way and barbecue.

Judo? Wasn’t that a bad movie with dumb phrases and something about a pregnant teenager? Like, honest to blog, I’m so totally sure it was, homeskillet. I’m totally boss.

Well, maybe I’m not totally boss. I find myself looking at a huge list of Olympic events that I can’t do. Only one thing left to do: petition a new event!

I found that the International Table Soccer Federation (ITSF), a France-based foosball organization, is trying to get foosball recognized as an Olympic sport. For once, the French have inspired me to take action!

I have a dart board in my basement and practice on occasion. So, I enthusiastically grabbed a few of the metal-tipped missiles and started hurling them towards the board. My third throw didn’t hit the board — or the wall. It hit the ceiling. Enough of that.

After many other follies and disappointments, I decided to pack it in. Game over. I couldn’t be more disappointed in myself. My Olympic dream is over, or is it?

I can’t forget the Winter Olympics. I’ll be seeing you all in Vancouver in 2010. I’ll be on the podium. I’ve always thought ski jumping would be cool.