By Tom Murphy Jr.

Senior Reporter

The economy is falling apart, my rent is overdue and I have a test that I need to study for. Yet as I pace back and fourth in my room the only thing on my mind is if I should start Green Bay quarterback Aaron Rodgers or Seattle quarterback Matt Hasselbeck.

I am a fantasy football owner and I take it seriously because I hate to lose. But more importantly, I love to win. I am in a league with some friends and there is nothing better than talking trash to a defeated man, letting him know that he is nothing compared to me.

When it comes to my opponent, I have a Mike Tyson mentality; I want to bite his ear off and watch him bleed. This is all metaphorical of course, since fantasy football is all Internet and numbers. There is no physical contact, but the mentality is war. The win is the only thing that matters.

So I pace back and forth. I research statistics. I listen to sports talk radio for advice. I watch ESPN religiously and I am constantly on the Internet looking for ways to destroy my opponent each week.

Week five was a difficult one for me. My opponent had a good team so there was no room for mistakes.

The first thing I had to do was decide on my quarterback. I picked Rodgers. I hate the Packers, everything from their ugly jerseys to the stupid cheese wedge hats. But in fantasy football there is no room for personal feelings. If you produce, you play, and so far this season Rodgers has been doing well for me.

Next, I had to decide whether to play Cincinnati wide receiver Chad “Ocho Cinco” Johnson or Minnesota wide receiver Bernard Berrian.

Chad “Ocho Cinco” Johnson is an idiot. Anybody who thinks they could out swim Michael Phelps in a pool must have taken a few too many shots to the head but Chad “Ocho Cinco” J

Johnson is still one of the most talented receivers in the league.

However, he has not produced this season. In fact, he has been a liability for me, so benching him this week should have been the easy choice but I just couldn’t do it. He has too much potential to have a big game. The rest of my team was already set due to injuries and bye weeks. So these two decisions were crucial to attaining sweet victory.

The first one worked. Rodgers had a big day and scored 22 points for me. Johnson, however, let me down once again. He had a terrible game, only gaining me four points.

Before the Sunday night game, my team (the Conquering Heroes) was in the lead, but not by much. I had one player in the Sunday night game, Pittsburgh tight end Heath Miller. Tight ends don’t usually get a lot of points so I wasn’t expecting much, but when Miller scored a touchdown in the first quarter I jumped out of my seat and spiked my hat like a football, as if it was I who scored the touchdown.

Going into the Monday night game, I had a 13-point lead over my opponent. I didn’t have anybody playing in the game but all he had was Minnesota’s kicker Ryan Longwell. I could taste victory. I went online and told my opponent that he was worthless garbage and that he didn’t have the right to be in the same league as me.

What happened next made me want to kick a hole in my television. His kicker, Longwell, had two field goals and two extra points in the first half. Since one of the field goals was for over 50 yards, it was worth five points in my league. I still had the lead 85-82. In the fourth quarter Barrian, who I sat in place of Johnson, scored on a 33-yard touchdown.

He finished the game with six catches for 110 yards and one touchdown, good for 17 points that I didn’t get. Longwell made the extra point making my score 85-83. Then with 13 seconds left Longwell hit a game winning field goal giving the Vikings a 30-27 win. I watched in agony as the kick sailed through the uprights. His kicker ended the game scoring 14 points. I lost 86-85.  

Afterwards I was forced to endure the trash talk; there was nothing I could say. But the fantasy world keeps spinning and there is no time to sulk I have to prepare to annihilate the Death Dealers, my next opponent, and I plan on showing him no mercy.