By Jared Purcell

You/Local Editor

Look, I’ve always known how awesome I am. Those lucky enough to be close to me call me J-Priceless because time with J is always priceless. A recent trip to The Palace of Auburn Hills for a Detroit Pistons preseason game only proved that fact.

I arrived at the Palace with my buddy, with two vouchers for the evening’s game between Detroit and the Atlanta Hawks. By the way, I got the vouchers for free because my buddy Tim at the Post gave them to me because I’m awesome.

    So we enter my palace — excuse me, The Palace — and wait in line to exchange the vouchers for tickets. Of course, I could have just walked up to the front of the line and taken care of business, but I figured I should spend some with their commoners and take in the unique lifestyle for a bit.

After I got off of the phone with my boo, Paris Hilton, I arrived at the front of the line. I gave a wink and a nod to the woman in the booth and she reached down into a thin pile of tickets and handed me two. Bingo.

I give one ticket to my buddy and he looks at it in awe. I’m not surprised of course. Seven rows from the floor, $115 tickets, staff ready to order and serve you food — the usual for a strapping guy like me. VIP in the house.

A hug from the mascot, Hooper? Of course. A high five from Chauncey Billups? No doubt.  He practically begged for my autograph — I’m mailing it to Denver. Some face time on live TV? You bet. My Hollywood agent wouldn’t have it any other way. Boo-ya.    

I left the stadium arm in arm with some of the delightful members of the Automotion Dance Team and we let the champagne flow in my super-stretch limo. Rollin’ on twenty-fo’s is how it’s done with JP.

After some clubbing and face time with the paparazzi, I retired to my crib. If you ever want to feel like a failure, just stop by my house sometime so you can see all of the things you’ll never be able to have.

My church in Birmingham has always been known for celebrity sightings, mainly from the world of sports. Steve Yzerman, Darren McCarty, Joey Harrington, Pat Verbeek, Manu Ginobli, Kobe Bryant; all of them have decided to get holy at my church because it’s the best place to get close to the greatness above — and in their midst. Sometimes, you can hear the hymns echoing my greatness with my personal favorite being “Ode to Jared.”

Extreme Home Makeover worked on a house two blocks away from me. Wouldn’t you know it, I got to personally meet the entire crew across the street from my house in a small diner parking lot. Call it a chance meeting if you want, but Ty Pennington’s agent left with my personal phone number. Besides, I called them over because it was my parent’s wedding anniversary and my mom is a huge fan. Yeah, I’m a real family man.

You see, if greatness happens, I’m either causing it or bringing it. My awesomeness has even hit the political scene as well.

On election night, the staff was getting restless for results to come in so we wouldn’t have to stay at the office all night. My editor in chief — who tells me that I’m her number one every day — told me that I should use my great awesomeness to get the results on faster. I said “I’ll get on the phone with Washington right away.” Twenty minutes later — I kid you not — Barack Obama is elected as the next president of the United States. Boom goes the dynamite.

J-Priceless knows what’s up. I went home and sat by my fire place with the world’s finest caviar, smiling to myself that I helped usher in history to the world. That’s how I roll. For sho.