Droopy drawers: Worse than starting wars?

By Alex cherup

Mouthing Off Editor

A rock prophet once said, “To live outside the law you must be honest.”

Now, illegality is not so glamorous. To live outside the law, we must see your boxers.

Yes, the saggy pants law.

Lawmakers in Florida are hoping to catch the population with their pants down, so to speak.

The Florida Senate is working to outlaw jeans that fall below the waist. A penalty of 60 days in prison is the game plan for repeat underpants exhibitionists.   

I’ll be frank — I am a long supporter of plumbers’ rights. 

This is a true atrocity.

Either way, the extremes of laws in the country are becoming absolutely ridiculous.

Here is Florida, a state recently robbed of its right to participate in democracy, obsessing over some kids’ boxers.

Just a few days earlier, the president of the United States vetoed a bill that suggested waterboarding was torture.

For those unaware waterboarding, is the worst of the boarding brothers, which include bodyboarding, surfboarding, and skateboarding.

Waterboarding creates the simulation of drowning by placing a cloth  over the face of an individual, while water is poured on the cloth (Americans use cellophane — so now when one tortures, you don’t get MAD, you get GLAD).

It is similar to the old-fashioned Chinese water torture. 

It falls under every civilized definition of torture. 

Yet, the President refuses to ban such a technique, claiming that it “would take away one of the most valuable tools in the

war on terror.”

So hear is the legal recap — torture: yes; a few inches of boxers: no.

Is this our government at work? Can we please take a look at ourselves? 

Our tax money is being put to use professionally drowning people and ordering them to buy belts.

And why, when the President breaks the law, is it always an act against humanity? 

Bush is busy promoting torture, waging war and keeping kids away from health care.

Why can’t he just break a minor law? Then we could actually arrest him. Jaywalk, smoke some pot, show his knickers — anything.

If only Bush broke the saggy pants law instead of the “U.S. Reservations of the UN Convention Against Torture,” we’d have him locked up.

Not only would we see the most powerful jock-strap in the world, but I’m sure it would also outrage more Americans than his decision to keep waterboarding legal.

If Bush went on television and gave a speech with his pants like all the Soulja-Boy wanna-be freshman kids in algebra class, there would be a massive outcry that he has crossed the line and disrespected the presidency for the last time.

But, of course, if you want to bring back some nostalgia from the Inquisition, it is still within the guidelines of government policy.

Crimes against humanity have become so commonplace they are no longer egregiously shocking, but are instead policy.

I say, lay off the kids. 

Personally, I am a “waister.” My pants are usually around my waist. That’s just my style.

Pushing these dress codes to law is a sign that government officials have gone too far. 

There is no constitutional amendment stating “No person shall wear a skirt shorter than fingertip length.”

Naturally, that would take the fun out of interns.

I personally don’t like this “saggy pants” business and find it absurd. 

It makes the wearer appear to not have the ability to operate a pair of pants. 

Perhaps we just need instruction manuals in trousers.

Gary Siplin, who authored this no-butt bill, argues that the “style” originates from prison, where the saggy pants meant the

individual was interested in sex.

I say all of those who want to wear pants below the waist, if confronted by the law, should pull down their pants even more. 

Mooning is a fine form of civil disobedience.

Just remember: it’s a 60 day sentence, and don’t sag your pants — and not for just legal reasons.

What we can hope for is to get the frivolous lawmakers out of our jeans and concentrate on stopping actual crimes against humanity.

Because who knows what’s next … They may want us to wear our underwear on the outside.