Move,Valentine; Athanasia’s here.

By DAN SIMONS

Mouthing Off editor/holiday creator

This is not a Valentine’s Day rant.

I’m not going to be one of those people who drill it into your head that Valentine’s Day has turned love into a soulless commodity, or that no one should dictate which day of the year to show someone we love them, or one of those people who’s going to barricade themselves in their house and bake cupcakes in between the sobbing and bad romance films.

Screw you and your “Singles Awareness Day;” let the couples be happy. Hear me out.

Yes, it looks like I’m going to be single this Valentine’s Day (Unless you wanted to change that, ladies.) But I’m going to do something no other rant on the holiday has done before. I’m going to offer up a solution.

A new holiday.

If the holiday for love is Feb. 14, in the dead middle of the deadest season, in a month which, like bad sex, is short and dull, then I propose a new holiday at the exact opposite end of the year, Aug. 14, where it’s long and hot, where the sun shines and the only thing you have to scrape off your car before going home is bird poop.

Join me, will you, in celebrating Saint Athanasia Day on Aug. 14.

Athanasia (which rhymes with euthanasia) was a patron saint from the Aegina islands. When she was 16 her parents made her marry a soldier, and 16 days after her wedding he died in combat. Sucks to be her.

Later she remarried, but her husband instantly became a monk and wanted her to join in a life of servitude to pious causes. They opened their house to the sick and the poor and Athanasia became a nun.

Clearly, this girl got no action whatsoever. Really sucks to be her.

And it just so happens her patron saint day is the exact opposite end of the year from Valentine’s Day, a perfect day to celebrate being single.

Let us make a holiday where you don’t awkwardly find someone, but you come up with an excuse to leave the dead-end relationship you are in now.

Let us celebrate a day in which we send our scorned ex-lovers chocolate hearts laced with laxatives, bouquets of dried and rotting roses, and a jewelry box containing a dead fish.

Let us rejoice in happy couples feeling awkward and out of place while all the single people go to the bars during a time of year where it makes sense to go outside.

Instead of running around and spending money to make one other person happy on Feb. 14, why not do nothing and enjoy being yourself, by yourself, with other people by themselves on Aug. 14.

Who knows, you might even find someone in the revelry and celebration of St. Athanasia’s Day that will stick around for half a year so you can do all the couple stuff on Valentine’s Day.

To all the couples, lovers, items, and “it’s complicated’s,” go and have your fun on Valentine’s Day. Smell your flowers, eat chocolates, drink wine, wear new jewelry and that lingerie you starved yourself to fit into and go at it like drunken rabbits on Valentines Day.

To the single, the lonesome, the “table for one’s,” the ringless-ring fingers, I will see you on St. Athanasia’s Day.

Unless, of course, you wanted to change that … ladies.

Nothing says love like … hookers?

By CAILIN JASON

WXOU assitant program director/hooker fan

About a week ago, I was at home watching Nightline. Now, I can probably count on less than one hand how many times I have seen Nightline in my life, but by some force of kismet I happened to tune in this night.

I was sitting on the couch, already enthralled in a story about a clairvoyant woman who could communicate with the dead. Not only that, but she was pushing the idea that all people have these abilities if they focus their energy.

Are you saying that if I try hard enough, I can talk to dead people? No. Freaking. Way.

I didn’t think much could top the prospect of me becoming the next Miss Cleo, but that’s when Nightline kept the laughs going from the paranormal to prostitution.

The Shady Lady Ranch, located two and a half hours outside of Las Vegas, has become the home to America’s first legal male prostitute, “Markus.”  Under this less than creative stage name, Markus has set the rate of his services at $200 for 40 minutes.

Typically, I don’t give a damn what someone chooses to do with their body. Some work to save lives or inspire the minds of the future and others decide to perform fellatio on random strangers. Whatever floats your boat.

However, Mr. Markus believes that what he is doing goes beyond providing sexual satisfaction. He looks at himself as an artist who is breaking social norms.

“It’s just the same as when Rosa Parks decided to sit at the front instead of the back,” says Markus in his interview with Details magazine (find the full interview at details.com.)

Are you kidding me Markus? Did you really just compare selling your body to a key historic moment in the civil rights movement? Fifty years from now, will our grandchildren be taught about the legendary movement led by Markus “The Pen Is Mightier” Male Gigolo?

I didn’t realize the male population felt that they were being held back from the exploitation and degradation that typically accompanies society’s view on prostitution.

By the way, Markus prefers the term gigolo. You know, like Richard Gere, the “American Gigolo?” Look him up, he is no Richard Gere. Hell, even Rob Schneider is a classier gigolo than this tool.

Remember though, looks aren’t everything. Luckily for us, Markus understands women.

According to him, women aren’t paying for sex; they are sensitive creatures paying for an experience.

No, they’re paying for sex. If they wanted sensitivity and affection, they would rent a Nicholas Sparks movie.

Markus claims that every woman who visits him will feel loved during their session and they will leave feeling more empowered than before they came.

Yep, nothing is more empowering than shelling out $200 for a false sense of love and affection, and not even a full hour’s worth.

Markus says that a gigolo needs to have the heart of a saint, the mind of a philosopher, and the skills of the devil.  I understand exaggerating your qualities to look good on a resume, but this is ridiculous.

Step back Julia Roberts, it’s time for Markus to work his game. Excuse me, it’s not a game, it’s a change to social norms.

I wonder if he’s going to have a special Valentine’s Day package …