National ‘Awareness Month’ Awareness Month

By Rory McCarty

Black History Month makes February important, but did you know that there are dozens of pointless awareness months that our nation wants you to be aware of? National Garlic Mustard Awareness Month, National Pet Dental Health Awareness Month, and National Irritable Bowel Syndrome Awareness Month all pass unbeknownst to the general public because, ironically, people are unaware of them.

Well let’s fix that crap right now.

Here is a sampling of some of the lesser known national awareness months (all of which I did not make up) and a brief explanation of why they’re important in what has come to be called National Awareness Month Awareness Month.

January: National Bath Safety Awareness Month

According to the National Safety Council, the family bathroom is the most dangerous room in the house, accounting for 80 percent of all household accidents. I can see why, what with the sink and the floor and all. It’s a veritable death trap. What’s worse, young toddlers, eager to explore their surroundings, are always looking for new and inventive ways to murder themselves.

The National Safety Council proposes installing nonslip safety strips in your

tub, putting foam coverings on the faucets, and watching your baby carefully to make sure they don’t bring a plugged in toaster in the tub with them. However, they also propose putting locks on all your toilets. Now, I’m against drowning babies as much as the next person, but once we start locking up our poop, I think we as a society need to commit ourselves.

February: National Pet Dental Health Awareness Month

February is the shortest month of the year, and in addition to playing host to Black History Month, Water Purity Awareness Month, Sinus Pain Awareness Month, and Marijuana Awareness Month, is also National Pet Dental Health Awareness Month.

Now admittedly, this one sounds stupid, until you realize that there is no HUMAN Dental Health Awareness Month. Then you realize that it is extra stupid. Just to clarify, during this month I can’t be made aware of my own decaying teeth, but my dog’s oral hygiene is priority one. And he eats cat poop.

I suppose cats and dogs are just as much at risk of gingivitis as the rest of us. But I think clearly the greatest benefit of this month is the YouTube videos that spring up of sedated cats stumbling around after going to the cat dentist.

March: National Brain Injury Awareness Month

Did you know March is Brain Injury Awareness Month? You didn’t? Now here’s the tricky thing: Maybe you did know it was Brain Injury Awareness Month, but then you hit your head and forgot. You have no way of knowing for sure.

This month is all about sports-related brain injuries like concussions, which can sometimes happen to an athlete without him or her realizing it and lead to worse problems later on.

I think the reason this is a month-long deal is because you can never really be certain if you got a brain injury and then immediately amnesia’d it away.

The only safe solution is to get an MRI daily. Or get a giant tattoo on your chest like the guy in “Memento” but have it say, “BRAIN INJURY.”

April: National Alcohol Awareness Month

OK, I think what they meant to call this was Alcohol Abuse Awareness Month, but somebody sent the wrong letter to the printers and they ended up with a giant misprinted banner and decided to run with it. Reason being, I would say most Americans are well “aware” of alcohol.

Like intimately aware. Like in their tummies.

July: Solar Awareness Month

For a while, this one was baffling to me. I mean, I suppose there could be people who are unaware of or refuse to acknowledge the sun: Vampires, for one. I thought maybe this month was a front for vampire hunters, under the pretense of spreading awareness, to drag their prey out into the daylight where they burst into flames or sparkle and get weepy and emotional, depending on what movie you’ve seen.

But realistically, how many people are walking around thinking, “What is that yellow thing up there, and what does it do? Is there someplace I can get a pamphlet about this? And I need it explained to me not once, but daily for an entire month.”  Is that who this appeals to?

Then I found out Solar Awareness Month is about solar energy. So now I feel like a jackass.

August: National Apathy Awareness Month

So I’ve decided to throw my hat in the ring and nominate this August as Apathy Awareness Month. The idea is to make people aware of people’s indifference to things in general. I plan on holding a celebratory rally for Apathy Month as well.

I figure if no one shows up, then I’ve succeeded entirely.