DAN SIMONS

Mouthing Off editor

Cosmopolitan magazine is the instruction manual of the stupid, the travel guide of the ignorant, and the bible of the damned.

Let me explain. A friend of mine was reading an issue of Cosmo out loud and the utter stupidity of it all stopped me in my tracks. I’ve always suspected that those magazines, brightly colored in every hue of pink imaginable, did not contain much award winning literature or life changing advice.

And then I finally read one, and was appalled. My job is too easy sometimes.

Of the 247 pages in the Oct. 2009 issue (You know, the one with Megan Fox airbrushed, photo-shopped and her soulless stare on the cover) 140 pages are full page ads, 15 of them before you get to the table of contents. This means the magazine is just over 56 percent ads. Of the $20 for a yearlong subscription, you’d be paying $11.33 for the ads.

Cosmo just made me do math, another reason I have to hate them.

This doesn’t even count all the pseudo-ads that look like an article at first, or even the ads that are clearly just promotional. “All Night Long” was just a thinly veiled promotion for 12 products you can use to cover up any signs that you just got laid.

Oh, and then there is the sex advice.

Cracked.com has an article called “Seven sex tips from Cosmo that will put you in the hospital.” Most of that article, and mostly everything printed in Cosmo, is too off color even for this Mouthing Off editor.

Most of the counter arguments against Cosmo’s sex advice is “Don’t bite that” and “Don’t put a finger in there.”

Sadly, several Cosmo readers who wished to remain anonymous tell me this is the same advice run in most every issue.

That’s like Mouthing Off telling you the best cure for a headache is methamphetamine. Week after week after week, just worded differently.

Sex related or not, the worst part of all this advice is that most of it is given with the reasoning that your man will like this. Decades of feminism and the strife of hundreds of women just went right down the shitter.

“Bad girl sex — 12 moves to show him your really naughty side.”

“His girlfriend wish list — Do you have these nine surprising traits?”

“50 sex tricks — Trust us: You’ll be the first girl naughty enough to try #43 on him.”

The only advice not centered around pleasing a man is the workout advice, and even then it is to tone your body to make him happy. Scour an entire year’s worth of Cosmo and you might have enough literature that is legitimately self-empowering to fill a napkin.

And by self-empowering, I mean things like “Hair that says ‘Hire me!’,” where you can forget about your resume and experience, as long as you have a stylish bob or the right highlights, you’ll be hired in no time!

There is an old joke where any man caught reading a Playboy claims “I’m only reading it for the articles.” In truth, the articles in Playboy are actually really insightful, well written, and relevant.

“The sex positions he lust’s for” and “What he thinks about when you’re butt naked” are none of these things.

If the world were run by me, aside from energy drink fountains being placed in every building and all dogs being cyborgs with rocket launchers, then reading Cosmo would be just as damning, if not more so, as a man reading a Hustler, Penthouse, or other pornographic material. Naughty pictures vs. mind poison.

A subscription to Cosmo magazine should be a deal breaker for any man, and shameful attribute for any woman.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a Maxim to go read. They have an article about how to blow up your own car.

He said, she said — others reactions, other magazines

Bryan Culver, web editor

“Nine item Wish List?” More Like three.

Amongst all of the ads, every once and a while Cosmo has a nugget of entertaining material. It ranges from the obnoxious, questionable fitness article,  “When Your Nipples Act Weird” and of course, what men want. We’re hard-to-figure-out creatures apparently.

An article dedicated to getting him to tell you the truth points out that most men hide details to avoid a fight. Listen, unless you suspect him of cheating, don’t push the issue.  We generally know what will and will not start a fight, yet we forget that not telling you will probably enlist a bigger fight. Just let it go. Girlfriend wish list. “Do you have these 9 surprising traits?” reads the cover. Let’s dive in to see what Cosmo has for this issue:

“She Has Passion and Ambition” — How is this surprising? For men who are looking for a girlfriend and not a hookup, we want to make sure we don’t have to constantly support you for you to do anything. As much as women like to fix up men and take special interest in those of us who aren’t going anywhere, men don’t. We have tasks from work, which often sit in the back of our head when we get home. We don’t want to worry about you.

“She Never Gets Crazy-Jealous” — This is my favorite. Don’t get jealous, at all. Yes when you get jealous we find it “flattering.” It however quickly becomes annoying. Really annoying. Remember, men don’t want to have to worry about you, much less do we want to have to worry about what you think of what we do. Men avoid fights. We really hate them. So don’t build one up over stupid jealousy. Thanks.

These traits and the rest were probably the safest Cosmo was willing to publish. They are obvious but won’t piss off women either.

Remember women, Cosmo likes money. Any business does. So, if they were to give you the key to getting men, you found the guy, happy ever after, you would have no direct need for them any more. They however choose to give you the wrong tips in the more intimate category. The smartest advice they purposefully get incorrect. Why? Because guys won’t want to break up with you initially for it, well depending on how off it is, and it’ll send you back to their issues trying to figure out some new ideas. Cycle repeats.

Women, here are the key things to getting, and keeping, a man:

* Don’t be too “out there”:  we don’t want to have to hide your potentially crazy stalker like tendencies from our friends.

* Don’t drunk text us at 3 a.m.:  If we aren’t hanging out with you by this hour, we probably won’t start. And we probably won’t respond, either. Men sleep too, you know.

* Don’t have massive credit card debt and admit not caring about it or your collection calls:  We work for the money we have, not to fix your mistakes.

GABI JAYE, staff reporter

After reading an article in a men’s magazine, I feel like I either need to take a shower or puke … maybe both.

Needless to say I felt offended and degraded by the article I read while also feeling bad for those interviewed.

I read an article called “Happy Valentine’s Lay” in Maxim, a men’s magazines. The piece gave men advice about how this cheesy holiday was the best time of year for one-night stands and commitment-free hookups.

Want to know the ironic part? This article was written by a woman.

I don’t agree with anything that was written. The fact that a woman, who has an unspoken bond with other members of her sex, would give this derogatory advice to men is sickening.

It’s magazines and articles like this that are the reason that men think it’s OK to “use them then lose them.” I felt like I was reading the opinion of a bunch of slores (slut + whore) with daddy issues.

Maybe I’m old-fashion and too optimistic, but I believe in relationships and appreciate Valentine’s Day.

Who can honestly say they want a hookup with a stranger we will be gone once the fun is over?

KAY NGUYEN, Campus editor

I’d like to think that I am a fashionista. You/Local editor Annie Stodola agrees, as do all the people who complimented my Diane von Furstenberg dress today. I like to read Elle, Vogue, Marie Claire and Vanity Fair.

All of those magazines contain over 80 percent advertising content. The rest of any of the publications contains a few articles and even more pretty pictures of clothes.

Basically, I pay to look at clothes and figure out where to find them — or at least lust after them.

My main beef with men’s magazines is the lack of fashion credits: The fine print that tells you who made that outfit in the picture, how much it is and where you can find it.

The same way I like the fact that I know Anne Hathaway’s dress on the cover of Vogue was made my Donnatella Versace, I’d like to know where she got the dresses and beautiful lingerie she wore in GQ.

I went through a nice cross-section of Maxim and Men’s Health magazine: fashion credits were rarely used.

Damn it, Maxim, if you want my man to oogle a woman in a dress, can I find out where to get said dress?