Remembering December 2010: A look into the past of our future

Illustration by Nicole Seguin

Illustration by Nicole Seguin

By Rory McCarty

I’ve heard the complaints. Every time we do a “Year in Review” issue, people ask, “Why is the Oakland Post recapping the top news stories from the past year? Isn’t this a newspaper? That’s hardly new. Are you becoming an oldspaper?”

Well, yes, we did consider becoming an oldspaper for a while, but we decided against it. I’m digressing here.

My greatest concern when we do a year in review is that December gets left out. How can we recap the year without having lived through its final days?

Well, I’ve got you covered on both fronts. I intend to report news so new that it has yet to happen, and at the same time put the finishing touch on our remembrance of 2010.

For your information and entertainment, I risked causing irreparable damage to the time-space continuum and fired up the Oakland Post time machine one last time to boldly travel into the future … all the way to New Years Eve 2010!

Brave New World

Toyota will have more trouble with recalls when the latest line of Priuses (Prii?) are found to have faulty seats that accidentally and suddenly recline. Customers have begun a class action suit against Toyota for injuries caused by to “spontaneous relaxation.”

The inspiring story of the Chilean miners who survived for 69 days trapped underground will be overshadowed when 12 Christmas shoppers are trapped in an elevator with Kanye West, Paris Hilton and Glenn Beck. Though they are only trapped for six hours, most of the shoppers end up beating each other to death as a form of mercy killing.

The makers of “LOST,” desperate to make people forget the show’s awful conclusion, will make an alternate ending. In the new conclusion, it turns out that Hurley is an angel sent to watch over humanity … and the entire island is a dream in the mind of a comatose boy … who is himself a figurine in a tiny snowglobe.

Arizona’s new immigration law will become so popular that other border states will adopt it. Michigan State Police will become one of the first to begin demanding immigration papers from drivers, although many citizens will be falsely deported because the trooper claimed, “He looked Canadian to me. Those Francophonic bastards…”

Following the disastrous oil leak earlier this year, BP will make sure it’s more prepared for the next environmental disaster. Taking a page from Monsanto’s book, BP will begin genetically engineering aquatic wildlife that is impervious to crude oil and oil dispersant chemicals. New Orleans will embrace the change and adopt an oil spill-based economy.

Full body scanners will become somehow even more invasive when TSA agents strap on lead vests and start looking inside airline patrons for plastic explosives hidden in their lower intestines. Those who opt out will get a free colonoscopy.

Jack White will start his fifth band side project, a Vuvuzela quartet called Toot Sweet. Their self-titled debut album will be optioned by the military to be used in combat situations after their live show puts an entire audience in the hospital with brain hemorrhaging.

The U.S. government will declare war on Wikileaks. Carpet bombing to the website will cause significant collateral damage to the Internet. Several Lolcats will be killed in the firestorm. As a reparation, the government will give free cheezburgerz to their survivors.

Resolution Revolution

After doing all the necessary research I decided to pop over to Times Square for the annual dropping of the ball. I figured, as long I’m here, I may as well make my resolutions.

So I resolved to stop making jokes about “Jersey Shore,” a show about a group of obnoxious people who live in Miami, only one of whom is from New Jersey. Okay, that was my last one, I swear.

Then I decided to check in with some celebrities and find out what the rich and famous are planning for 2011.

Lindsay Lohan will resolve to open a series of personally-branded rehab centers for washed-up child actors. They will institute a punch card system for faithful customers. Four visits and the fifth is free!

Justin Bieber, upset about not getting the Zhu Zhu Pet he wanted for Christmas, will resolve to stop talking to his parents. And  he’ll resolve to stop taking out the garbage because it’s unfair they make him do stuff. And he’ll run away from home to live with his aunt who loves him more.

Justin Bieber is a baby, is what I’m saying.

Levi Johnston will resolve to distance himself from the Palin family. His first step in a new lease on life: to change his name to Apple Bottom Johnston.

Back at OU, President Gary Russi will resolve to one day wear shorts to the office.

Based on the popularity of OUSC’s hammock initiative, President Brandon Gustafson will resolve to run for re-election on a hammock oriented platform. Hammocks will replace regular seating in most classrooms.

And Snooki, who was arrested earlier this year for being criminally annoying, will resolve to lobby the criminal justice system to set standards for what levels of annoying constitute a crime. For future reference.

Crap. That was what, twenty seconds? Well, I’m getting better, at least. Anyway, Happy 2011!