Holidays drain empty pocketbooks

By Brian Figurski

Merry Christmas, everybody!

What? It’s a little early for Christmas, you say? I thought the same, until I noticed the astonishing number of Christmas lights already up around town, and the multiple Detroit radio stations emitting exclusively holiday cheer from their towers.

I apologize for the lateness of this story. By ration of the world around me, it should have been reluctantly published in March for it to be truly relevant.

Christmas starts earlier every year. I agree it’s the biggest holiday, especially for those that have severed the religious ties from the 25th and only scramble for gifts and eggnog.

It’s irrational, however, to start celebrating the spirit in late October.

An elderly woman came into my place of employment last week, rocking her god-forsaken pine green and menstrual red Christmas sweater, on one of the sunniest and warmest days November would have.

The sheer nerve of her made me want to ask if she took Wednesday’s medication on Tuesday and if that was the reason for her misconception of space and time.

I refrained though, only screaming curse words that will prevent me access to Heaven when she left.

Just kidding, there’s no way I’d get in even if I scalped tickets.

People sure as hell don’t give a hoot about Halloween anymore, I know this from the stunning prominence of Christmas lights already lining gutters of colonials in the middle of October.

I had at neighbor near my old house who, like clockwork, would be out at dawn after Halloween setting up his yard for his Christmas display.

Well he used to, until some 22-year-old on a rum rampage decided to pee on Santa and decapitate Rudolph.

My family is even in on this nonsense. I got my annual e-mail for my randomly selected present partner already.

Last month.

Those people should dread the single day a year they have to endure my inebriated ramblings of the deviations of the world, not incite it.

As always, Detroit radio frequencies 105.1 and 100.3 followed up Monster Mash with hoards of Christmas crap at 12:01 A.M. Nov. 1.

Good gravy, 105.1 is now dubbing themselves Christmas 105.1. They even have a Twitter handle with the same ID. The amount of jolly Detroiters feeling prematurely festive baffles me senseless.

I know I sound like the Grinch, but I’m not against celebrating the holiday. No, the thing I find disgust in is this rapid-fire commercialism in our economically depressed economy.

Spend, spend, spend, spend, spend. I owe a lot of gratitude for the invention of digital video recording, because I see a whirlwind of snowflakes and tinsel as I plow through Black Friday advertisements.

Black Friday itself needs to become a week ordeal with how depressed the economy is. More cheap deals for the people, hospitals overflow with trampled shoppers, it’s a win-win for everybody.

With all the spirit this holiday musters up, a lot of people can’t comply the way they used to. A wide-eyed child absorbs so much information from television that their expectations are farther through the roof than Santa Claus can get.

It has been reported Jolly Old Saint Nick has filed for bankruptcy and the elves are occupying the North Pole.

I feel my cries for change are far too late, and way too under the radar to make any significant impact.

Just forewarn the young ones in their life the most expensive gift they’ll receive in their life is a used Nintendo 64 and Pilotwings. If they’re lucky, the parents will throw in the rumble pack.

So happy holidays to all, a month and a half early.

Maybe next year an article about the holidays can get published in September.