It’s tough out there … even for Big Bird

It’s a cold, cold world out there and it might be getting a tad colder. Mitt Romney said if he were elected President of the United States, he’d stop funding PBS and their shows like Sesame Street and … Sesame Street.

This is complete madness, Mitt. Stop it. You’re running on a platform as a job creator, but you’re going to kill jobs if you stop funding Sesame Street for Wall Street.

Your election as president would be devastating to everyone on Sesame Street. Just think about Big Bird. How is an eight-foot, two-inch bird going to assimilate into American culture? I heard Big Bird can roller skate, ice skate, dance, sing and write poetry. But come on, people, we all know those won’t help the big guy rake in the money to maintain a healthy lifestyle.

Roller skating doesn’t help anyone get a job, thousands of dancers and singers get torn to shreds on whatever show Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell are on, poetry has been considered an art and ice skating … ice skating?! Oh, wait; the NHL is still locked out.

Meanwhile, Snuffleupagus would be deported to Siberia, where scientists are working on cloning a wooly mammoth. At least for Snuffleupagus’ sake, he could find true love. Let’s just hope it works because it’ll be a long time before scientists find another trace of wooly mammoth DNA.

While Big Bird is looking for jobs and Snuffleupagus is in search for true love, Bert and Ernie would be in search for an apartment that has a non-discriminatory policy against gays. They better hurry though, or else they’re going to be put on the streets. No more rubba-dub-dubbing in the tub for Ernie. They’d be looking for anything to make sure that they’re not forced to live with Oscar the … hey, where did Oscar go?

Apparently Oscar the Grouch would be evicted from his trash can. I guess it’s hard to pay for aluminum trash cans these days. That’s what happens when Apple has the idea of creating the iPhone 5 out of aluminum. But it could be worse; you could be Elmo.

I feel bad for Elmo. His cute and chaste personality won’t help him, and as a result he’d have to resort to offering his services to those in need. And here comes the bad part … Jerry Sandusky would be calling from prison, asking to bring Elmo in for a conjugal visit so he can further live his sick and delusional fantasy as the tickle monster.

Speaking of monsters, Cookie Monster’s cookie supply would run out and he’d suffer from a massive withdrawal. He’d be tripping out and having visions, mistaking every circular object for a cookie. I guess Sesame Street’s cookies were hardcore.

Thankfully Mr. Rogers kicked the bucket a few years ago, or else he’d have to be lending his house to all the unemployed. And for those wondering what happened to Lambchop, she went to the slaughterhouse.

So it seems like the future for everyone is gloomy, all except for The Count. Mitt was compassionate enough to keep him for the sake of counting all the money he’s reaped off of the one, two … 47, 47 percent. And while The Count would be counting all the money made, he’d be thinking to himself about where his friends are in the cold, cold world.