Super fulfilling things to do this summer


Photo courtesy of Bitmoji

Tori and soon-to-be-graduated Lauren discuss some elite summer activities on their satire farewell tour.

Yup — it’s coming. Summertime. You may be absolutely thrilled, you may be tirelessly scooping middle school friend groups ice cream for four months, or you may be entering a quarter-life crisis.

Regardless of where you’ll be this summer, here’s how you can spend the warmer months.

1. Do absolutely nothing.

This may seem like a satirical cop out, but life experts say you can romanticize anything, so let’s put that to the test. Tuck yourself into bed on April 26 and stay put until September. Use a mini-fridge as a nightstand, turn your phone off and just lay there flat like the grandparents in “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.” Nothing can go wrong when you’re doing quite literally nothing. “You only live once,” just became “you only lounge only.” #vibes

2. Connect with one Mr. Fulton on LinkedIn and get hired at Albuquerque’s Lava Springs Country Club with all your dearest pals, rising from kitchen staff to riches at the intervention of talent show rivalries before ultimately going back to your roots and reuniting with your baseball diamond dancing, basketball playing, fedora and capri-wearing besties.

Troy Bolton? Are you there?

3. Give yourself a fake life.

Not excited for what summer has in store? Who cares! Make up a completely fabricated alter-ego for yourself and live that storyline to the fullest. Who says you can’t date Sebastian Stan and be spotted with him on the streets of New York — iced coffee in hand and absolutely serving in a lavender sundress? NOBODY! Mind over matter! Buy a ticket to NYC, buy that sundress and coffee and fully immerse yourself in your imaginary life.

On the outside, you’re just someone taking a walk. On the inside, you’re engaged to Bucky Barnes. Nobody needs to know (except maybe a mental health professional), but you just elevated your existence to new heights.

4. Listen to a vibey summer playlist.

You know those songs that are like — windows down! Love of my life in the driver’s seat! Gloriously tan skin! En route to pick up a smoothie bowl then hit the pier! My-life-is-so-amazing-nothing-tops-this-I-am-where-I’m-meant-to-be-under-this-California-sun! Those are so realistic. University Drive is literally the Malibu coastline. We’ve never been pale or single in our lives, CERTAINLY not both at the same time, so these songs really make us feel #heard. 

5. Sit with the crippling, gut-wrenching idea that time will continue progressing even when you have no clue what direction your life is headed in — so what if you’re wasting time? And then you’ve wasted so much time that you regret said time wasted when you’re 30, and then 40, and so on.

When you realize after decades of predictability — you can technically do anything and go anywhere, but what if you don’t? What if you don’t take risks? What if you regret everything? What hobbies do you even have? What are your goals? Do you even have a purpose? Will anyone ever love me? I mean — not me, just everyone. I’m being general. This isn’t an individualized fear whatsoever.

So — anyone else graduating this spring?

6. Re-read Lauren Reid and Tori Coker-penned satires.

You know that old saying about not fully being able to appreciate something until it’s gone? Well buckle up, folks — with Lauren’s graduation effectively ending our satire-writing days, these highly comedic texts are on the cusp of becoming relics of the past.

We’re so ready for the millions of clicks these babies are going to acquire over the summer — go ahead and crash the site as a symptom of how much you miss us. We’re empaths, we can imagine the depth of this kind of loss.