SATIRE: The only honest quit-smoking article you’ll ever read.

I’m quitting smoking. Which means that I’m ornery, constantly hungry and I was almost arrested after calling a police officer who pulled me over what I had for dinner the night before (pork). But most importantly, I hate everyone.

So why is this a good thing? What does hacking up brown phlegm in the bathroom sink have to do with rejuvenation of the body? (Also, it’s supposed to be brown, right?) Well there’s a lot to say about this that science, and misguided but good-intentioned, articles online have already said. It’s just good for you. You know why? I know why, my golden retriever knows why. I’m not wasting time on that one.

Instead, I’m just gonna tell you what to expect when you quit in buzzfeed-style listicle form:

Community support: Expect everyone to be super happy for you when they first hear about it. Then milk the absolute shit out of that, because for the next week they won’t recognize your personality through the nicotine withdrawals.

The patch: A magical object that seems more important to me than what I imagine breastfeeding was like. I don’t like it, but if I stick something on my arm and it suddenly becomes a thousand times easier to not kill myself in tube form, then I’ll take it. It feels like cheating, but it also feels so good.

Cinnamon Sticks/suckers/cloves/pencils/Freud’s Oral Fixation: I’m writing this article with a cinnamon stick in my mouth. They’re bitter, but flavorful, kinda like cigarettes, but not near as terrible-smelling. You can hug your grandmother with a cinnamon stick in your mouth is what I’m trying to say.

Exercise: Get some. Get some damn exercise because chances are you’re really unhealthy anyway. It makes quitting a lot easier, and replacing a wafting cloud of tobacco stench with six-pack abs isn’t too bad for your dating situation either.

Water: You should’ve been drinking it anyway. But you’re gonna want to drink a lot now. Chances are if you smoke a pack a day, you’ve probably smoked weed and rushed to pass a drug test with a ton of water and peeing. Think of it like that. Get that nicotine out of you ASAP.

Replacing Nicotine: Yeah, it SEEMS like a good idea. But what happens if you replace cigarettes with soda? Instead of coughing, you get cankles. I know someone who replaced smoking cigarettes with smoking weed. Now he just smokes five joints a day (and the occasional cigarette.) Do it right or don’t do it at all. Unless you want to replace cigarettes with exercise, water and cinnamon sticks.

Nicotine gum: Never worked for me the five times I put all my faith into it and got nothing in return. Then again, maybe it wouldn’t disappoint you. It’s all about finding what works.

Irritability: Any girlfriend that can’t deal with the worst you’ve got for three days isn’t worth having around. If she’s convinced you to quit, remember that she should be able to deal with those three days just as much as you should be able to.

Best of luck to all of you in your nicotine-free endeavors. I’m on day two of mine so pray for me y’all.