BREAKING: New mandates coming to campus


Photo courtesy of Bitmoji

Lauren and Tori are ready to announce new mandate’s on administration’s behalf.

As the mask mandate lifts outside of designated areas on campus (we’ll still be wearing ours, thanks though) on March 20, some new mandates are swooping in to take its place.

1) You actually have to use the room booking system at Kresge Library.

So I know this is radical, but hear me out. Imagine you’re me, rushing your freshly-filled-with-Slim-Chickens-bod up several flights of stairs on your way to start working on an assignment due in mere hours, and the room you’d placed on hold has an unannounced tenant inside. Don’t make me knock and ask you to leave, my guy (I’ve never actually had the nerve to do this #PartOfTheProblem). Book the room. You’ve earned it.

2) M*odle is forbidden from contacting students.

M*odle is literally so toxic. If I could get a restraining order against anything, it would be M*odle — the documentation is worth it. Like no, I don’t care that Brian Johnson just replied on the discussion forum that all 27 students need to reply on, but my email inbox thinks I do apparently. I also don’t care that “[I] have upcoming activities due.” I know my life is quite literally in shambles, unfulfilling, consistently degrading and pointless. I don’t need a literal course management system reminding me I can’t pull myself together.

3) Any questions pertaining to the validity of Subway meat are banned.

If I’m standing in the Subway line, I don’t want to hear the phrases “fake meat” or “real meat” in any capacity. I’ve clearly made my choice, consequences be what they may. I don’t care which side of the debate you’re on — let me eat my questionable meat in peace.

4) Free Friday’s!

That’s right — everything is free on Friday’s! Tired of spending $30,000 on a Zingerman’s coffee? You’re so real for that. But it doesn’t even matter anymore! Don’t want to pay for a last-minute-father’s-day-gift-mug in the bookstore? Word. It’s free! Looking for a 100% discount on your orange chicken and fried rice? Yeah, we know that’s your order. Save your Panda Express trip for the glorious, ever-anticipated, #FreeFriday.

5) Wednesdays are Temple Run nights in the Grizz Den.

If you wanted to play anything else, pick another night. This high stakes game will offer a sea of grunting sound effects and traumatic flashbacks to the early 2010’s to anyone cruising around the basement of the OC on Wednesday nights. If you’re looking to get really into the spirit, be a pal and rent a demonic monkey costume to chase passersby around throughout the Habitat. Students will appreciate your commitment to the nostalgia, trust.

6) If you guess the Wordle on your first try, you graduate instantly.

If you’re a vocabulary legend coated in special St. Patrick’s Day luck, you may have just struck gold. Wherever you are, whatever time of day, if you’re graced with five beautifully green boxes in your first Wordle row, the ghost of Matilda Dodge Wilson will teleport to you, degree in hand. So supernatural of her!

7) On Wednesdays, all students have to wear pink.

Get it? Because of “Mean Girls?” Isn’t this the funniest satire you’ve ever read? — — — — we’re tired.