By KELLY KOZLOWSKI

Editor in Chief

Now I know it’s taboo to challenge The Queen, but things have gotten ridiculous. Allow me to explain.

It was a late night in February. I was surfing my TiVo and settled on a recent episode of Oprah. 

The topic? 

Shlumpadinkas.

Do you know what a ‘shlumpadinka’ is? 

I didnâ€

™t either, because Oprah invented the word. Upon further viewing, I came to understand a shlumpadinka as one who did not seem to care about his or her appearance. 

Picture the woman who does her grocery shopping in pajama pants and a baseball cap. I know this works when you’re 20 years old, but a 40-something mother of two is, apparently, not supposed to commit this shlumpadinka crime.

So far, so good. Oprah is teaching me new vocabulary. People are getting makeovers. I am entertained.

There’s even a segment devoted to the 10 wardrobe must-haves that every woman — you guessed it — must have. 

Oprah says I need a trench in a “punchy color.” Rather, her guest expert says that I need it, but if Oprah is listening to this guy, he must know what he’s talking about.

I also need something in leopard print. Usually, endangered animal skin is not my style, but for Oprah, I’ll make an exception. 

The list continues and I’m totally sold. I’ve mentally checked off the items that I already own and started visualizing the accessories that I am lacking and will soon buy. 

Thank you, Oprah, for saving me from potential shlumpadinka doom. 

Normally, I would view this show during the Thursday afternoon that it originally aired. Thanks, however, to the aid of modern technology, I was able to watch at 1 a.m. and follow it up with another episode of Oprah. 

Next on the Tivo: An Oprah episode about “freegans and strippers.”

Wait a minute. Oprah just told me to buy all of these clothes and accessories so that I could be one of the beautiful people, and now she’s singing the praises of a woman who hasn’t purchased clothing in over three years.

This woman eats out of dumpsters (perfectly safe, often packaged food, mind you) and ditches department stores in rebellion of capitalism. 

Maybe I shouldn’t buy leopard print ballet flats. Keep reading guys, even if you have no clue what a ballet flat is.

e=”; font-size: 9.5px; text-indent: 8px; “>Maybe I could go three years without buying anything. Of course, that would put my Oprah-induced shopping spree on hold.

This got me thinking, “What is this ‘Oprah woman’ trying to do?” Exactly one week apart from each other, these two shows revolve around opposite messages. 

s=”Apple-style-span” style=”line-height: 10px;”>Splurge. 

No, save.

“; font-size: 9.5px; text-indent: 8px; “>Be simple. 

No, be fabulous.

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