Uno, dos … Ocho Cinco?

By Jared Purcell

You/Local Editor

“Hate” is a strong word. It can be tossed around from time to time but, when it comes right down to it, people rarely use the word to its full extent.

Some people focus their hate against George Bush while others may funnel it towards Tyra Banks. Pretty much everyone has that one person they really hate. The very sound of that distasteful person’s name can make someone’s skin crawl. For me, it’s Chad Johnson.

I really hate Chad Johnson, er, Chad Ocho Cinco. You could say that I have a love-hate relationship with him. I really love to hate this guy.

Chad Johnson — I apologize, Chad Ocho Cinco — is the star wide receiver for the Cincinnati Bengals of the NFL. Not only is he the star of the team, he is the quintessential village idiot and d-bag of professional sports.

Once known as Chad Johnson, he recently legally changed his name to Chad Ocho Cinco because he wears number 85. I am not lying. Seriously, on the official website for the Cincinnati Bengals, the name Chad Johnson is no longer found. Scroll down to the “O’s” and you’ll see why.

Although the NFL and the Bengals organization recognized the name change and even promised to put Ocho Cinco on the back of former Johnson’s jersey for the season, a financial problem thankfully disrupted the stupidity.

Reebok, the company responsible for printing on-field jerseys, has already printed a large inventory of jerseys with “C. Johnson” on the back. Reebok is hoping to eventually get a new nameplate and print off “Ocho Cinco” jerseys. Until then, someone in NFL organization is going to have to figure out how to pay for all of those wasted “C. Johnson” jerseys. Real nice, Chad, real nice.

I was thinking about buying an “Ocho Cinco” jersey when they come out but I realized that buying a jersey that said “tool” on the back would be way cooler.

Why Spanish? He doesn’t have a Spanish or Hispanic bone in his body. Why not French, Chad? Chad “Huit Cinq” sounds pretty awesome to me. Portuguese sounds pretty cool too: Chad “Oito Cinco.”

If he really wants to draw attention to himself, he should go with a Chinese-traditional name: Chad “八五.”

I know, I am going about this the wrong way. In all honesty, his number is 85, not eight-five. Shouldn’t he be called Chad “Ochenta y Cinco”? Not only does he insult the evolutionary intelligence of the modern human being, but also the Spanish language.

But I can’t be completely negative towards “Mr. Eight Five.” I’m sure he has plenty of redeeming qualities.

In fact, he does display a large amount of self-confidence. For example, he believes so much in his athletic abilities that he thinks he can beat anyone at anything. After all, d-bag Chad’s favorite quote is, “The only person who can beat Chad Johnson is Chad Johnson.”

Obviously, Johnson should be replaced with Ocho Cinco.

“Ocho Idiot” actually said that he could beat Michael Phelps in a race. Well, that makes sense until you realize that he was talking about a race in the pool.

Here is his exact quote on the matter from “Pardon the Interruption” on ESPN:

“The problem with Michael Phelps is that there is no competition in where he is, you know? Now, if he came to where I’m from, which is the inner-city, you know in Liberty City, I was a three-time Charles Hadley pool champ. And if he comes and — no, no don’t laugh. Don’t laugh, this is not funny because some of the best people in the world are the people who are not able to make it to that level, those who are the best where they at. And where I’m from, Liberty City, I know a couple of people that could beat Michael Phelps right now. Seriously, I’m telling you and I’m one of them.”

It doesn’t matter where you are from, if you are swimming faster times than Michael Phelps, you would have been noticed by now. I feel sorry for Liberty City for having to deal with that embarrassment.

I can only pray for the day that Michael Phelps does race “Ocho Dunce” in the pool. But I’m sure he’ll find a fantastic excuse as to why his ass got handed to him.

Still, I need to revisit what I said earlier. Chad Johnson believes he can beat anyone and anything.

After all, he did beat a thoroughbred racehorse in a footrace spanning 220 yards — when given a 110 yard head start. Is it OK if “Ocho Moron” didn’t actually beat a horse in a fair race? The fact that he can beat a horse to a destination when only running half the distance of the horse proves that he can prove nothing. Good for you, Chad.

You know what, I just may help Ocho Cinco out. Maybe if I can learn to help my enemy, I can learn to understand him.

Since he can’t go long periods of time without people seeing his name in the news, I’m going to take it one step further and put “Chad Ocho Cinco” in the dictionary. Who cares if the definition says “see idiot, moron or boob,” his name will be in every published dictionary for the rest of time.

Ocho Cinco always says that he is serious. His fans, who I am trying not to hate, like to say that Chad’s just messing around with everybody. That is probably the worst defense I’ve ever heard. Whether he is serious or just playing around, I’ll hate him just as much. It either means that he is a head case or an incredible ass. No, I’m not complimenting his backside.

Behind his gold teeth that he wears on game days and beneath the incredible ego that is larger than Cincinnati itself, is an idiot who has not one single redeeming quality whatsoever.

He is an athlete, a good athlete. Big deal. That is not enough for the entire world to like you, Chad. Once you figure that out — I know, wishful thinking — maybe you’ll change your ways.

Until then, I hate Chad Johnson. Yes, Chad Ocho Cinco, that means you.