By Sean Garner

Campus Editor

So it is one of those years again. That quadrennial occasion when the entire nation stops and listens with attentive optimism as two rich men brag about how they are going to save the world. It is truly amazing how, in a country of 300 million people, we always whittle down the Presidential race to the two smartest, noblest and most articulate statesmen anywhere. We must have some vetting process.

 It is one of those years when we are constantly reminded of our most important civic duty: Voting. Voting is not only your responsibility to “the greatest country in the history of the world,” but it also carries bragging rights. In most first world democracies, voting would simply make you a dime a dozen, an also-ran among the eighty to ninety percent of the population who vote. However, in America, this noble deed distinguishes you from about half of the voting age population.

However, it is not enough to touch a button on a computer system that is vulnerable to hackers. Voting is the end of a long process in which you, the citizen, should take every opportunity to become the best voter you can be. Don’t know how to reach such a lofty goal? I have you covered with all the steps it takes to put the rest of the community to shame with your voting prowess.

Don’t think too hard

When deciding who to vote for, it is important to remain firm in your views of the candidates. The best way to do this is to size up each candidate very quickly and develop unshakable opinions based on your first impression.  

Try not to get caught up in nuance as it could compromise the intensity with which you support your candidate. If information comes out that paints your guy or gal in a potentially unflattering light, dismiss it out of hand and remain unflinching in support of your candidate no matter what common sense tells you. By all means, avoid any sober analysis of the facts.

Critical thinking leads to a critical headache.

Avoid watching the debates

Debates are sterile snoozefests with endless references to trivial matters like “foreign policy,” “exploding national debt,” “global warming,” and other “critical challenges for the next generation.”

Instead, watch the television coverage after the debates. They will sort through all the minutiae and tell you what is really important. It is far more critical to know who sighed or checked their watch at a slightly inappropriate moment than it is to be familiar with their stances on any of the issues.

Limit your sources of information

By all means, avoid any newspaper coverage of the debate, as they are likely to engage in pointless factual analysis. If, by chance, you do read a news story and some of the details do not conform to your steadfast opinions, it is your duty to mobilize a campaign to get the entire staff at that rag fired with no severance package.

Instead, choose one cable television demagogue, and one only, whose ideology is most similar to your own. Watch him every night, TiVo him if you have to, and be ready to recite his newest talking points on demand. If he has a radio show as well, make sure to take several hours off work every day in order to become even more versed in his rhetoric.

If your new hero says something you feel compelled to question, please resist the impulse. The man is on television, so he is obviously far more intelligent than you.

Be Rude

When discussing politics in professional or social situations, ditch civil, intellectually-based conversation in favor of violent screaming. Don’t forget to drop in several lines verbatim from your talking head idol.

Also, it is perfectly permissible to get very personal. Insulting others on the basis of their race, gender, weight, religion, sexual orientation or unfortunate family situation is always a sure way to strengthen your arguments and persuade others to adopt your political views. And never forget, the loudest person always wins.

Don’t register

If voting is a right, what’s with all the paperwork? You don’t need to sign your name, address and social security number to speak, protest or assemble. So why should voting be any different?

Exercise your civic rights, and make a statement at the same time by showing up to your designated precinct that fateful day in November and insisting that you be allowed to vote. If your demand is rejected, be sure to make a scene. Use vulgar language and threaten the precinct person with physical violence. This is a guaranteed way to make friends with the local police department.

Vote third party

Some people vote for third party candidates because their ideology rests outside the political mainstream. Some vote third party because they believe the two-party system is inherently corruptible and unfair. I vote third party because it allows me to engage in that all-American past time: Whining.

I look at it this way, if you don’t vote you have no right to complain. However, if you do vote and your candidate wins and turns out to be a cataclysmic d-bag, you also have no right to complain. In fact you are an accessory.

So do the only honorable thing and vote for somebody you know has no chance of winning. You’ll get to stroke your self-righteous side by wearing that “I voted” sticker on the breast pocket of your Polo shirt, and you will in no way be implicated in the impending foul-ups which are all but inevitable.  

So now you have all you need to be the best voter you possibly can. If anyone you know has issues with your decision-making process, tell them you know it is the best method around because you read it in a column by Sean Garner in The Oakland Post. If, for some inexplicable reason, they still have doubts, then turn them into the Department of Justice for treason at once.