By Lindsey Wojcik

Editor in Chief

It’s a rainy afternoon, you’re channel surfing on the couch in order to kill time on an otherwise boring day. You’ve already scanned the channels to find the same four movies are showing on TBS, TNT and USA. The game isn’t on either.

Suddenly you’re transfixed by the beautiful model on the screen. She’s wearing nothing but strawberry syrup, an ice cream cone hat and a melting pile of ice cream in her hand. You’re intrigued but still not sure that you want to watch.

Then in a dramatic moment your world is turned upside down as supermodel Tyra Banks comes on the screen. You’re doomed. For the next five hours you sit glued to the television, entranced by the drama that unfolds on an “America’s Next Top Model” marathon.

Aside from transforming young wannabe models into mature and sometimes frighteningly mini-Tyras, Banks has splashed her name all over the media.

She produces and hosts “America’s Next Top Model.” She hosts “The Tyra Banks Show,” a morning talk show that is seriously an hour interview about and with Banks, regardless of the guest or topic.

She produces the new fashion editor competition show “Stylista” and recently her production company Bankable Productions released “The Clique,” a book series that Banks claims to love.

That’s a lot of responsibility. But nonetheless the divalicious media mogul has just added one more job to her resume: fortune-teller. That’s right America; Tyra Banks is America’s Next Top Fortune-Teller. Don’t believe me? It came straight from the horse’s, er, model’s mouth.

Ten days after the Presidential Election, Banks proclaimed she foresaw a victory for President-elect Barack Obama. While Obama did not seek Banks out for a free reading, Banks did whip out a crystal ball when he made an appearance on her show in October 2007.

Banks said when she learned of Obama’s win she couldn’t sleep and when she did fall asleep she would awake in tears. It was that amazing for her.  

“I actually held up a crystal ball to him and I said, ‘What do you see in your future, Senator?’ And he said, ‘I see the White House.’ So then I’m crying some more. I held up the crystal ball and he saw it.” Banks reminisced recently at a red carpet event.  

She also asked Obama who he thought would portray him in a movie. His answer: Denzel Washinton. To which Banks responded, “If it was Denzel Washington, I was going to be like, ‘Can I play your wife, cuz I wanna be in a scene with Denzel Washington.'”

Banks missed her chance to be in a scene with Washington but she did step into Michelle Obama’s shoes for the September issue of Harper’s Bazaar. Well, not literally. She starred in a photo shoot dressed as the first lady, before Obama was even elected.

While Banks was channeling Michelle Obama long before she would become the first lady, she was also working on filling the first lady’s stilettos and promoted herself to First Lady Extraordinaire.

How would Banks fair with helping to solve one of America’s biggest issues like the economy? With the high unemployment rate in America, job security is at its highest risk.

Absolutely no need to fret, First Lady Extraordinaire Banks is dedicated to creating jobs.

Drivers. Yes, she probably has one or two already, but in a city as big as New York, Banks can spread out her drivers by neighborhood. One for SoHo, one for Greenwich Village and certainly one for the Upper East Side. Hell why not get a driver for every block? Of course Banks will use a different American made car for each block. Auto crisis solved.

Personal photographer. Someone will need to follow her every move and capture the essence of her life. If no one does that how will America know what she looked like in the bathtub or what she looks like in a fat suit? Better yet, she will need photos of herself to send to other people as birthday presents. Just ask Miley Cyrus who recently received the best sweet 16 gift from Banks — a framed photo of Banks when she was 16.   

Bad actors. Banks sometimes needs support on “ANTM.” Anyone who can successfully underact will suffice. Banks will take care of the real acting, she just needs someone to hand her an apple when she does her Mr. Peepers bit like she did at the princess party in episode four of cycle 11.   

Reality TV show contestant. So you wanna be on top? Banks will take you there. Models of all shapes and genders will be needed for cycles 12 through 1,200 of “ANTM.” But if the runway isn’t your thing don’t worry, the media mogul can create any reality show.

America’s Next Top Janitor, anyone? The one with the perfect mopping technique will take home the prize.

And what would a First Lady Extraordinaire be good for if she didn’t solve the financial crisis? The answer is simple for her. The Tyra Bank — a new national bank much like the Federal Reserve. Banks, Jay Manuel, Nigel Barker, J. Alexander, Twiggy, Janice Dickinson and Adrianne Curry serve as the board of governors.

Key decisions are made based on Tyra’s mood swings, “Is it just my antipsychotics talking ladies, or was Abe Lincoln nothing but a hot mess? That’s it — the $5 bill is worth less than

the $1 bill!”

As for the fierceness of the credit market, “Fixed-rate mortgages at below 4 percent? Fierce in ’09!” We would quickly forget about AIG with TTB, the new model banking system leading our nation out of debt.

I don’t know how America could fare with a Banks conglomerate in the White House. Maybe she should just stick to her day jobs. I’m sorry Tyra, but you are not America’s Next First Lady.