By RORY MCCARTY

Senior Reporter

Photo by BROOKE HUG/The Oakland Post

Every day, I grow more and more convinced that in order to survive our nation is entirely dependent upon Jack Bauer.

Of course, with his Inauguration right around the corner, President-elect Barack Obama’s promises of defeating terrorism and stabilizing the economy has Americans excited for a “new dawn of leadership.”

However, I know that none of his goals would be at all feasible without the “24” action hero, played by Keifer Sutherland, that makes James Bond look like “The Naked Gun’s” Frank Drebin.

I truly believe that the national crises we’ve endured over the past year (the banking collapse, sky-high gas prices, Madonna’s divorce) can be traced back to the fact that the seventh season (or day, as the meticulous action of “24” takes one full season to complete a day in the life of Bauer) has been delayed for almost a year due to the 2007-08 Writers Guild of America strike.

Personally, I’m surprised that I’ve made it 24/7 for a year of own life without a new “Jack Bauer Power Hour” waiting for me every Monday at 8 p.m.

8:00:01

Take for example, last Monday. I woke up at 8 a.m., hungry after pleasant dreams that I foiled a terrorists’ plot against Barack Obama. On the way to class, I passed a McDonald’s drive-thru, where I stopped to ask if their Sausage McMuffin would provide me with the nutrients necessary to fight crime. The clerk dismissively replied that he had “no idea.”

No idea, huh? If I were Bauer, I would have threatened to grab a moist towelette from burger boy’s back pocket, cram it down his throat, wait for him to begin to digest it and then yank it out, taking his stomach lining with it. Jack Bauer doesn’t put up with uncooperative informants and neither should I.

Who could forget the time that he shot Christopher Henderson’s wife in the leg in an attempt to get him to give up information, or when he severed the fingers of the Russian

Consulate General with a cigar cutter? Bauer’s methods of “interrogation” clearly need to be applied to more far-reaching aspects of my life, from foiling terror plots to ordering drive-through.

I left for home immediately after my failed interaction with the McDonald’s clerk, which never would have happened in the first place if I had fresh Bauer to look forward to.

9:02:28

When I came home an hour later at 9 a.m., my dog Telly sat near the door. I thought that her barking was to welcome me back. Instead, she almost bit my arm when I reached down to pet her.

If I were Jack Bauer, I would never have to worry about losing my appendages in a familial setting. In fact, Bauer chopped off his partner in fighting terror, Chase Edmunds’ arm with a hatchet when there was a virus-loaded time bomb strapped to it.

Who could forget the time that Bauer escaped capture by ripping out a terrorists’ jugular vein with his teeth, then went on to save the United States from not one, but four nuclear explosions in one day? Bauer clearly has more control over other people’s bodies than I have over my own.

10:10:36

At 10 a.m., I started driving to the office of The Oakland Post and quickly became annoyed when bad traffic on I-75 slowed to a crawl.

If I were Jack Bauer, I would never put up with this. It never takes Bauer more than 15 minutes to drive anywhere, even in the driver’s hell that is downtown Los Angeles, thanks to his Counter-Terrorist Unit security clearance and his accomplished shouting ability. In fact, he once hijacked a commercial jet that a terrorist informant was riding on and forced the pilot at gunpoint to land it on the freeway.

Some jet-landing action sure would have come in handy then, as I unsuccessfully tried to channel Bauer and screamed at the cars in front of me that it was a issue of national security that I reach The Oakland Post office as quickly as I possibly could get there.

11:34:44

I arrived at work at around 11 a.m. A while later, one of my co-workers, Tim Rath, said he was going to Mr. Pita for lunch and wondered if I wanted anything to eat.

Anything to eat? Does Jack Bauer stop to eat when terrorists run free? Not unless you count the cans of whoop-ass that he regularly opens. When Jack Bauer does eat, he doesn’t let people see him. He does it during commercial breaks, or while President David Palmer is trying to stop his demon-wife from withholding medication from people in wheelchairs.

I couldn’t figure what Tim was up to. Then I realized there was a leak within The Oakland Post. Tim had infiltrated the organization.

12:05:59

I forced my way into management’s office after noon and declared that The Post had been compromised. We needed to lock down all the terminals, form a hard perimeter, and make sure that no one left the building.

I found myself being taken out of the building later by men in white shirts.

So, perhaps I overreacted a bit. But now that “24” is back on the air, I can rest easy getting my regular fix and trusting that Bauer will be able to resolve whatever crisis arises within a day’s time.

There’s no need to fret, America, I know we’re in good hands.