By JARED PURCELL

Sports Editor

The world is slowly coming to an end. Not from some giant asteroid. No, global warming won’t do it either. Our own technology is going to do us in, and Keanu Reaves, Will Smith, or Linda Hamilton will not be there to save you — like that Terminator guy tried to do for Sarah Connor.

 

It all started when I got Wii Fit, the new game for the Nintendo Wii game console. It’s a game designed to keep you in shape while you enjoy the perks of playing a video game system. Couch potatoes and those afraid of human interaction are rejoicing at such an invention.

Screw the gym, I’m playing video games. Yoga class at 6 a.m.? No, video games! Pilates after dinner? Not for me, I want video games!

But I am much more wary of what these technologies are providing for us.

Online lifeline

It seems like the push for personal convenience these days is getting out of control. You really don’t have to leave your house to do anything now.

For example, I can wake up in the morning, take a shower, get dressed and go to class — online. Once I’m done with class, I can have some lunch from Jimmy Johns — delivered thanks to JJ’s number in an online directory.

After that, the rest of the day’s schedule is full. I buy a few books for class, add new threads to my wardrobe, find time to watch my favorite afternoon soap opera, do some homework, laugh with friends, check the latest headlines, play some games and take care of business by answering my work e-mail — online.

After an exhausting day of point and click, I find the time to work out on Wii Fit. The walk from my computer to my TV is a workout in itself. Then I cook some Easy Mac that I bought in bulk online. Then I can catch my favorite prime time television on — well, you get it. Oh, and instead of going out to find the girl of my dreams at a bar or club, I’ll browse e-Harmony profiles.

When the youth of our current generation reach their final years, they won’t be able to tell their grandkids that they walked 10 miles in the snow, uphill both ways. Instead they will say “When I was your age, I once threw a snowball at my friend … on Facebook. Good times.”

I’m waiting for the day when teleportation booths are invented. That way, walking to your car on the other side of campus in 12 degree weather will be out of the question. Or maybe we’ll all end up like fat blobs in robotic chairs with hologram television perpetually displayed 6 inches from our faces. Hey, it happened in the movie “Wall-E.”

Even worse, we’ll be so entranced by the ever-growing flexibility of the television that our brains will turn to mush — and then get enslaved by robots.

Warning signs

Movies like “The Matrix,” “Stealth” and “I Robot” are seen as fantasy, but seriously, those are just warnings.

One day in the near future, you’ll wake up and notice that your robotic chair no longer wants you sitting in it and ejects you into the ceiling; that your robotic personal maid is tired of cleaning your toilets and punches you through a wall. The car that talks to you and drives for you will become fed up with your demands and run itself into a tree.

The blame lies on man and the reckless idea that better technology equals a better life. Oh, the irony.

Madness. Chaos. Machines.

Skeptics think that mankind will know when to pull the plug. That, if we created them, we

are smart enough to know how to stop a robotic rebellion before it gets out of hand.

If we don’t, the aliens will

But will it stop the aliens from finishing us off? Didn’t anyone pay attention to that Hulu.com commercial with Alec Baldwin during the Super Bowl!

Baldwin said that Hulu offers free TV to entertain us — and turn our brains into a soft mushy substance. Why?  Because he is an alien that is one of many set on disabling the minds of mankind so they can take us over!

Are we just going to sit around and allow that to happen? If you’re reading this online, you’re adding to the problem.

But then again, if you’re reading it on oaklandpostonline.com please continue to do so. Our website loves traffic.

Please, I beg you, set down the remote, leave your video games in the drawers, go “Office Space” on your computers, printers and scanners. You might as well  kick the crap out of your fax machine — you can never be too sure.

If you’ve always wanted to crash an electric guitar into random objects, you know what to do.

There is a world out there to enjoy so don’t let it slowly get stolen away from you.

Sure, you can call me irrational, paranoid or even crazy. But let me just say ahead of time that I told you so.

Thanks to my Wii Fit, at least I can say this: It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I’m in shape.