The Loch Ness monster does exist

I would be walking door to door throughout my neighborhood telling people all about the power that is the Loch Ness Monster, although the first rule of the Loch Ness Monster is we don’t talk about the Loch Ness Monster.

Regardless, I feel the need to spread the word about this mystical creature who resides in Loch Ness in the Scottish Highlands. Actually, while Nessie lives in Scotland, she has many prophets that can be found all over the world, little mini-Nessies. It has been speculated that we may have a mini-Nessie living right here on Oakland University’s campus in Bear Lake.

You may think I’m crazy, and I don’t care. I could be arguing that Nessie comes from space or something insane like that. The Loch Ness Monster is a wonderful and real being, and isn’t doing something like making up a religion just for a tax break.

The following is a list of 10 commandments that any follower of the Loch Ness Monster should be aware of before entering the Loch Ness Monster faith.

1 First and foremost, the Loch Ness Monster doesn’t want you to believe in her at all. Really, she wants you to believe in yourself.

She doesn’t think people should feel bad about anything they have done in life — look at it as a learning experience. If you continue to make the same mistake countless numbers of times after knowing the consequences, well that’s your fault.

2 Nessie considers herself just like her followers. She doesn’t want to be worshipped or praised for something she had no control over. She believes in destiny, and doesn’t take credit for any of the things that happen to you, whether they be good or bad. To Nessie, there’s nothing worse than someone confessing their sins, especially when she isn’t one to forgive — she tends to hold grudges.

The Loch Ness Monster doesn’t want you to accept her as your savior, but to learn how to save yourselves instead.

3 Nessie doesn’t care if you partake in pre-marital sex. She thinks that if you feel the need to wait until after marriage, there isn’t anything wrong with that, but you do run the risk of your spouse being into something that you don’t particularly care for. It just might make for an awkward honeymoon night when your new husband or wife brings out the whips, chains and ball gags.

4 The Loch Ness Monster doesn’t think anyone should judge you for liking another member of the same sex. She doesn’t think that a law or a specific text should tell anyone that they can’t be joined in marriage just because they are of the same gender.

5 She thinks it is strange that a man would want to have many wives at once, but then thinks “Hey, who am I to judge?”

Unless you’re into really messed up stuff like murder and arson, the Loch Ness Monster really doesn’t care what you do with your life.

6 Nessie doesn’t have a special holiday to celebrate her existence, but that’s OK, because to Loch Ness believers, every day is Nessie Day.

7 Believing in the Loch Ness Monster doesn’t require any intense reading of any really long and old books. But, if you are an avid reader, there have been several publications by many Loch Ness followers that could be added to your summer reading list.

8 Many have tried to disprove that Nessie does exist. But she doesn’t mind that at all. She would actually prefer that no one talk about her.

The infamous “Surgeon’s Photograph” (seen right) was a real picture of Nessie taken in 1934. But, she had the photographer, Robert Kenneth Wilson, a London gynecologist, come out to say it was a hoax.

He lied and said that the figure was really just a toy submarine with a head and neck constructed from plastic wood.

9 When we die, we go to Scotland and get to swim alongside Nessie. There isn’t any other place Loch Ness followers go when they die, even if they’ve been “bad.” People who do really bad things don’t believe in Nessie anyway.

It’s a good thing she doesn’t have many followers, since the average depth of Loch Ness is about 430 feet.

10 Whenever you’re down and need something to make yourself feel better, just think W.W.N.D. — What Would Nessie Do? There is even a line of W.W.N.D. beer hats, which are available in every color for $12.99 online.

There’s always something to buy to flaunt your faith­ — the website also sells magnets, bumper stickers and shot glasses with Nessie’s face all over them.

So if you think you can handle these rules you can begin to follow and believe in the Loch Ness Monster. Praise Nessie!