By CHRIS HAGAN

Guest Columnist

It’s acceptable to have a stalker nowadays at Oakland University. Finishing my junior year, I’ve already had more than I can count. I’ve been stalked leaving Pawley Hall, Dodge Hall and the Oakland Center. I’ll be walking to my car and suddenly I will get this feeling that I’m being followed. I turn around and see a car creeping to my stride with its blinker lit up, claiming me.

With Oakland’s enrollment annually rising, the pressure to get a close parking spot has never been greater.  Few words can describe the joy when you’re running late and at the last minute you see that first open spot in front of the OC. Many words, some unmentionable during PG-13 movies, can explain the anger when that spot is claimed the moment you activate your blinker.

Unspoken but understood

But there are rules both stalker and walker are expected to follow. Never before have I seen these “rules” written down, nor have they been passed down to me by an upperclassman.

But my four-year experience of working for the parking department at The Palace of Auburn Hills has compelled me to inscribe the rules. Like every commuter at Oakland, we observe — and most of us respect — what I’m calling the Parking Lot Code of Conduct.

I begin the code with something called “Hatch it to Catch it.” This was derived from personal experience and observation. In order to find your walker promptly, you should simply wait in the yellow hatched-off areas at the end of each aisle anywhere you’re looking for a spot. Make sure there aren’t any motorcylces parked there. As soon as you see a student pass your car, or begin walking up an aisle, start your move.

The next rule of the parking lot is the “Art of the Blinker.” The left and right blinkers are no longer used on Oakland’s campus as a turning indication to other drivers. Their first function now is to claim someone walking to his parking space.

If you find yourself stalking up an aisle with your left blinker on, that’s a signal to other drivers that the soon-to-be-open parking space on the left hand side is yours. It doesn’t matter if you’re stalking in forward or reverse — the blinker means ownership.

Once you’ve lit up the blinker, distance now becomes the focus for the third rule, “A Stalker’s not a Creeper.” How closely you stalk can mean the difference between the normal Oakland parking lot stalker and a creeper who should be driving a sketchy windowless van. That’s why I’m going to recommend a minimum of a two car-length gap between the walker and the stalker.

“In my opinion, the worst part about the parking spot stalkers isn’t so much being followed to your car — it’s how difficult they can make backing out of your spot,” sophomore Taylor Podvin said. “They feel the need to stop as close to your car as possible in fear that someone else may take the spot.”

Spot stealers beware

On rare occasion you may run into the scenario in which another car may try to pull a fast one and pull in before you. If that happens and they refuse to leave, that’s a cardinal sin in the parking lot and I totally support holding a bird over their windshield until it poops.

When you’re parked it may be necessary to back up and readjust. “Make it fast.” (That’s what she said.) It’s also the next rule. I’m sorry, but I couldn’t pass on the opportunity to have a Michael moment. For other drivers, seeing the glow of back-up lights triggers excitement and a tendency to hit the accelerator to get the open space, only to be disappointed when the lights turn off and your car pulls back in.

These rules are important to follow. The walkers are held to the same well-mannered standard. Although they don’t have a blinker to worry about, they still have a responsibility. “Know your Aisle” is the first rule to be followed by the walker. Remembering what aisle you parked in saves not only your stress level, but the stalker’s too. Watching a walker just cut through the aisle is the biggest parking lot tease. And by the time you get to him, nine times out of 10 he’s been claimed by someone else.

Walkers have frustration too

Being a walker can be just as much of a stressor as being a stalker. It’s especially frustrating when you’re not leaving and just have to run to your car for something and you get stalked. The misjudgment by a stalker of someone leaving is an honest mistake but it’s an issue that has students griping.

“If you’re parked and in-between classes and you have to run to your car because you forgot something, most people take this as a sign that you’re leaving,” freshman Heather Hardin said. “So while the stalker is mad at you for not leaving, you’re annoyed with them for sitting there staring at you for five minutes.”

Senior Brad MacDonald’s experience getting stalked was one that could have ended badly. MacDonald was walking off campus to get lunch when a stalker drove up asking where he was parked. When MacDonald replied that he wasn’t parked, the stalker didn’t believe him.

“He asked me why I would lie about where my car was parked but I told him he could continue following me, but he’d be disappointed,” MacDonald said. “Sure enough he followed, and when I reached near the end of the parking lot, he started swearing at me and drove off.”

It’s this kind of FML moment that gives the act of stalking a bad rep. But done correctly, it’s a gas-efficient method of finding a parking space. As a student who has wasted more gas driving around looking for a space, stalking is the way to go if you follow the code. Use your blinker, give enough distance, readjust fast, and if you’re in doubt, simply ask the walker if he’s leaving. It’s these rules that will lead to a less stressful and more successful stalking experience.

You know you could just park far away and hoof it, but who are we kidding? This is Oakland.