DAVID AND GOLIATH

a burger of biblical proportions, with armageddon-like repercussions

This caloric colossus is the result of a marriage made in McDonalds. Take the bottom slices of the buns from a McDouble and a McChicken and put them together. This puny, patty-less burger is David. Eat him first. Then take the remainder of both burgers and combine. Chicken, meet beef. Heart, meet clog. Grab this behemoth burger and chow down on a giant made of meats, cheese, mayo, pickles, onions, ketchup and lettuce. Then call emergency medical services, you know, just to be on the safe side. David and Goliath can also be accomplished at Burger King with a Whopper Jr. and a Spicy Chick’n Crisp, or at Wendy’s with a Crispy Chicken sandwich and a Double Stack. Or, you know, don’t eat crappy food.

INGREDIENTS:

1 McDouble burger

1 McChicken sandwich

COST: $2.12

CALORIES: 750

 

SPICY SPAGHETTO

ghetto spaghetti — like an Italian restaurant, but without the quality

Ramen noodles have long been a staple food for college students. They’re cheap, can be made in a dorm, and so easy to make even a  journalism major can do it. But  everything can be spiced up, and those little spice packets included just don’t cut it. Get some ground beef, find a place to cook it and get to work. Brown the meat in a skillet while cooking the noodles in the microwave. Take all the leftover sauce packets from previous adventures to fast food joints. Add five packets of ketchup from any burger joint. Throw in two packets of Fire sauce from Taco Bell for spice, and top it all off with a honey packet that you picked up for some reason at Kentucky Fried Chicken.  Mix the  sauces into the meat, throw in the noodles and  mix until cool.  It makes multiple servings, if for some reason you feel like eating it again.

INGREDIENTS:   

1 lb hamburger meat, disregard quality

1 package ramen style noodles

5 ketchup packets

2 Fire sauce packets

1 honey packet

COST: $2 – $3

 

ATOMIC GELATIN

gelatin without booze is possible

INGREDIENTS:

1 package gelatin

1 16 oz energy drink can

COST: around $3

1 night without sleep

How can you possibly quench your need for caffeine AND your desire for semi-solid food at the same time? Cram for that final you never bothered to study for AND eat something closely resembling slime? Just substitute your favorite energy drink instead of water the next time you make this translucent treat. Most energy drinks come in 16 oz cans, while most gelatin recipes call for 4 cups of water. Boil one cup of water to dissolve the gelatin powder. Pour into a bowl or a large pan if you want to make those stupid little gelatin-jiggler things. Then add one can of energy drink to make a dessert that is both tasty and not recommended for pregnant or nursing women. Take some liberties and mix and match your flavors, like cherry gelatin and Red Bull, orange gelatin and Rockstar, or berry gelatin and Monster. It’ll stain your lips and keep you up for hours.  The higher the ratio of gelatin mix to liquid will result in thicker gelatin, and if you really want more bang for your buck and hate your liver, you can throw in a few of those concentrated energy shots

 

CALL YOUR MOM MEATLOAF

just like mom used to make

INGREDIENTS:

1  phone call

COST:

Varies by service provider

Gas money to get home

Doing the dishes when you’re done

When all else fails, just call your mom.  Start by turning on the phone and setting it to “Family.” Simmer for 15 minutes while your mom scowls at you for not calling her more often. Grill for 15 more minutes while she yells at you because you’re only coming home to do laundry and eat her food. Boil for a half hour while she goes into great detail about how she was in labor for 14 hours and  you gave her such heartburn and how she sacrificed so much to raise you and all that other crap. Eat whatever the hell your mom made because it’s free and you don’t have to cook. Once done, clean the table because she raised you better than that. Then fix her computer because she swears the Internet is slowing down her game of solitaire. For extra servings, give into her begging and spend the night in what used to be your old room before she turned it into a personal gym. You’ll get a decent breakfast, hopefully.