What do coughing cougars, Elmo and beer pong have in common? Swine flu has gotten to them all.

While it is in ridiculously poor taste to joke about a potentially fatal illness, laughter is the very best medicine. And if that doesn’t work, you can always rip out the Mouthing Off section and use it to sneeze into.

After an extra week off, Oakland’s Golden Grizzlies are happy to finally be back in class, while the Cougars of Washington State University wish they weren’t, as the campus has a problem with the piggy plague.

Many people have already contacted the WSU student health services, reporting flu-like symptoms. I alway figured it was the cougar that bested the pigs.

“The students are taking it like any other type of flu,” said 21-year-old Molly Aigner, in an interview with the Associated Press. “It’s not like we’re growing tails or anything.”

With students across the country piling into classrooms and dorms, the threat of swine flu is back on the rise. A vaccine is in the works and drug stores like Walgreens and CVS are trying to keep people healthy by selling flu shots, just down the aisle from the energy drinks, potato chips and cigarettes.

To help get the word out about preventing the pig pandemic, the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services has recruited the aide of one of the top physicians in the nation. No, not Dr. Gregory House, they have enlisted the help of Elmo.

In a public service announcement released last month, the Sesame Street character tells kids to make sure to cough into their elbows, don’t touch their eyes, nose, and mouth, and for the love of Big Bird, wash your damned hands before you tickle him.

If anyone is to be believed about swine flu, it’s Elmo. After all, it’s probably not the worst thing a puppet has picked up from Miss Piggy.

College students are even more susceptible to swine sickness because of their proximity in dorms, poor nutrition and eating habits, and sub-par living conditions. They could avoid swine flu if they didn’t live… well, like pigs.

After many schools reported cases of the flu, including a fatality at Cornell University, officials are advising students on how to block the bacon blight.

Students are advised to avoid activities that might help spread the disease, like playing beer pong. Options for a safer game of beer pong include substituting beer with water, or just not playing against the guy who can’t stand up and is sweating bullets.

Organizations are helping students by handing out items including surgical masks, hand sanitizers, throat lozenges, bottled water and tissues. Many students are hoarding these supplies just to be safe, and later they can make a really cheap doctor costume for Halloween.

OU’s population should stay prepared. Here are a few tips to prevent H1N1 from leaving you saying WTF.

Any student who attended the Sigma Pi pig roast last Friday for the SPB carnival is safe. You can still eat Porky Pig and not pick up his pox.

Students are advised to stay hydrated (beer), get lots of vitamin C (orange juice and vodka), and remain well rested (sleep during class) to stay (somewhat) healthy.

Avoid Chartwells food. This has nothing to do with swine flu, but it’s probably still good health advice.

Get plenty of exercise. This can easily be accomplished by going above and beyond the treacherous hike from whatever parking lot in which you managed to secure a spot. Try doing the trek with extra weight in your backpack, like your student loan bills, or a credit card statement from the last textbook you bought.

If you are friends on Facebook with someone who has swine flu, de-friend them immediately. If it spreads as fast as Farmville or Stalker check invites, then the whole human race is done for.

In all seriousness, if you feel yourself coming down with the flu, any kind of flu, please seek medical attention. Help and information is always available at the Graham Health Center, which will have seasonal flu shots starting September 21 and swine flu vaccinations when they become available.

If you or someone you know becomes sick — stay the hell away from me.

 

STAY HEALTHY… KINDA.

Here are some other diseases to look out for:

Lion’s flu

Symptoms: Victims are sluggish, uncoordinated, slow and experience a lack of stamina. Lasts about 16 weeks.

Kanye disorder

Symptoms: The infected are prone to outbursts of public humiliation and making teenage girls cry on stage.

Russi-itis

Symptoms: Sufferers experience a 40 percent increase in their wallet size. Actually, this would be awesome to have.

Grizzly gout

Symptoms: Most often, these victims are found passed out somewhere between their class and their car.