I’ve got to find a place for my Pulitzer Prize.

 

The way I figure, if President Obama is handed the high honor of The Nobel Peace Prize only nine months into his presidency, then I’m bound to win a Pulitzer. For which article? It doesn’t matter, I’ll write it later.

 

You see, Nobel Prize nominations are submitted before February 1, meaning Obama was president for less than two weeks when he was nominated.

 

I’ve been the editor of Mouthing Off for six weeks now, which makes me a shoo-in for the top literary prize. Hell, throw in a Peabody award too. I’ll probably earn it.

 

The award, given out to those who promote peace in the world, is named after Alfred Nobel, famed chemist and inventor of dynamite. You know, that stuff that explodes violently and kills people? Yeah, he wanted world peace.

 

Hey, that last bit was funny. Where’s my Emmy? Tina Fey has too many already.

 

Obama was given the award “for his extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples.”

 

He has helped, or will help, or hopes to help nations come together for peace talks, ends to conflicts, and making the world a better place.

 

Although, North Koreans still live in a hellish tyrannical pit, Iran is still fiddling with nukes and aiming them at Israel, Africa is still plagued by AIDS and South America continues to pump drugs into every corner of the globe.

 

You know what else helps people stop fighting and become friends? Booze. I don’t see Jim Beam and Pierre Smirnoff getting post-mortem peace prizes.

 

Some people think that the international community is only giving Obama the award to prove just how much they hated Bush. “Peace Prize” now means “Thanks for not invading anyone this year!”

 

To be fair, Bush did play one of the longest games of hide-and-seek with Osama bin Laden and deserves a gold star for being runner-up.

 

Other people think that the award is another ass kissing when it comes to Obama-rama and treating him as some sort of savior of America, which isn’t true: The medal is made of heavy gold and will therefore slow down his ascent into the heavens above.

 

Despite where you fall on the political spectrum, you have to admit that this prize is being given to the president of the United States for something beauty pageant contestants ask for at the end of every speech: World peace ­— and Obama didn’t even have to slip into a bikini.

 

That last bit I stole from my friend and fellow journalist, Jared Purcell. He’s busy making a trophy case for the track and field Olympic gold medals he’s already won at the London 2012 games.

 

Oh wait, is this because of the Olympics? Obama came up short in trying to get Chicago the games, losing to crime-ridden Rio De Janeiro so he’s getting a medal as consolation?

 

If we’re giving out sports-related runner-up prizes, then after the way the Tigers bombed out of the playoffs Detroit gets to coat the Ambassador Bridge in platinum, right? If Pittsburgh gets Stanley, we get our auto industry back?

 

This does feel like a pat on the back in a sports game. These days we have to make sure that every kid playing feels good about themselves, because gone are the days where you suffer a loss, change for the better, learn from your mistakes, and grow into a better person.

 

No, these days you give ribbons out to every kid, and special awards for the kids who scored a goal, the kids who didn’t hurt themselves, and an award for largest dent left in a car from a soccer ball.

 

Obama is the third president to win the award while in office. Woodrow Wilson won it when he created the League of Nations, the failed precursor to the United Nations.

 

Theodore Roosevelt won it because, well, he had a lot of guns and you didn’t ask questions around the guy.

 

Jimmy Carter also won the award, but that was after he was in office, when we fumbled the Iran hostage situation.

 

Ironically, he won the award in 2002 because of his Mideast peace talks. Go figure.

 

“To be honest,” said Obama after getting the award, “I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many of the transformative figures who’ve been honored by this prize.”

 

At least he’s covering his ass on this one.

 

“Let me be clear,” he continued, “I do not view it as a recognition of my own accomplishments, but rather as an affirmation of American leadership on behalf of aspirations held by people in all nations.”

 

No, wait, now he’s blaming this on us. That was smooth. Someone should give him an award.

 

If anything, this will only spur Mr. President into doing something to prove to the world he deserves the award. It’s kind of like giving a teenager their first car and telling them they will earn it with chores and good grades.

 

Here you go, Barack. Now use the next three years to fix the economy, save the climate, stop people from blowing each other to pieces, and regain our global standing or we’ll return the award to the Norwegians.

 

Oh, and win the hide-and-seek game. Use lots and lots of explosives to really make Mr. Nobel proud.

 

So, back to my Pulitzer. I think I’ll put it next to the Heisman trophy I won because I watched  a college football game, and in front of the Oscar they gave me because I almost saw Slumdog Millionaire in theaters last year.

 

Congratulations, Mr. President. I can’t wait until I get my Nobel prize too.