By KAY NGUYEN

Campus Editor/overly-mothered girl

First dates are always awkward.

First dates are even harder for me. After being out of the dating game for so long, I not only had to put the lid back on my pint of Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food, but common courtesy also had me get out of my ex-boyfriend’s oversized hoodie and sweatpants? That’s a pretty tough routine to break just to go on an awkward journey. Let’s break it down.

There’s the awkwardness of the asking. The conversation dotted with “umms,” sweaty palms, and sideways glances leading up to the asking is almost always the same. Don’t even get me started on asking through text messages, AOL instant messenger, Facebook chat and the like; unless it is completely necessary, don’t even think about it. Luckily, Mr. Wiseman and I did not need to do that since we were set up by our trusty Mouthing Off editor Dan Simons.

Then there’s the awkwardness of the actual date. You’re constantly trying to figure the other person out; it’s practically a game of chess, which really sucks because I don’t know how to play chess. I cannot anticipate nor can I ever read a face. You can guarantee there is at least one moment like this in every first date. Go ahead: fold your hands and keep them in your lap trying to make small talk in the car.

Want more awkwardness? Throw in an ex. That’s right: Mr. Wiseman and I were joined by my ex, known to some as Skillet Punk, since he works at the restaurant we went to. Funnily enough, he was not our server, yet brought our food out and checked up on us. Thanks, buddy. I’m sure he also meant it when he told us to enjoy our evening while sending me a text message that read “He is olddddddd.”

Throw a parent into the evening if you’re feeling adventurous. My mother called 20 minutes into the date to tell me to come home ASAP, as she had something to discuss. Turns out I’m not supposed to hang out with guys named Steve Wiseman. Thanks, Mom. She also ended the night when she called again. At 9:05 p.m. I am apparently 10 years old.

Movies are never awkward unless you make them. It’s a solid 90 plus minutes of sitting next to someone in darkness and staring up at a screen. That might very well be the only not-awkward part of a first date, which is why a movie is always such a great date idea.  Just don’t try the sixth grade yawn-and-stretch. You know what I’m talking about.

Then we get to the awkward goodbye. I am definitely the person that makes it crazy awkward: butt-out hug and all. Augmenting the awkwardness on this date was the fact that my mother was inside waiting to threaten me with a huge meat cleaver (word of advice: every Asian mother has one). Quick awkward side hug? Check. Cut to me running across my lawn like a scared puppy dog, awkward first date completed. 

 

By STEVE WISEMAN

wxou IT Director/Webmaster/old guy

 

First dates to me have always been a horrible experience. I am always nervous: Did I talk too much? Is she having fun? Am I having fun? Do I try and kiss her? What if she tries to kiss me?

Horrible, but if you want a second date and beyond, you muscle through the night. With this occasion I really wasn’t nervous — which made me nervous.

I picked up Kay for our date, dinner and a movie. On the way to dinner, the first hiccup happened. Kay got that “I am going to tell you just enough to get you nervous, but give you no real information” phone call from her mother about something on Kay’s computer. I guess I am lucky being a guy in the sense that my parents really aren’t worried about me on dates.

We pull into the fanciest of dining locations in all of Sterling Heights: Max and Erma’s. Walking in, Kay says “Oh, hey — my ex works here, but he might not be here.” An ex is an ex for a reason, so I’m not worried, even if he is working.

Hiccup number two, he is working. Our order is taken by our server, but does she bring us our food? Nope, that would just make things too simple. Captain Overzealous Ex to the rescue with our order. While writing this I realize I probably should have checked my food before I ate.

Who’s waiting, holding the door open for us when we leave? Yup, it’s the captain again. He commands we “HAVE A GREAT NIGHT, GUYS!” as we make way to my car. A couple beeps chirp from Kay’s phone, and the Captain strikes again! I laugh, asking Kay what he said.

“He’s really old,” Kay laughs as she reads. Now, I spelled old correctly. This fine young gentleman used seven d’s.

Just to clear this up, I am older than Kay. I am 24. That is not old. I guess a teenager seeing me out with his ex would categorize me because I do look older than I really am and I dress like an adult when I go out. Age isn’t a problem, right?

Kay and I make our movie. No one else is in our screening, so I joke a bit about how we are never going to be able to find seats. She laughs. Wow, she laughs at my stupid half-assed jokes — definitely taking her out again. As we are watching the movie, I keep thinking on whether I should try and hold her hand. By the time I decide “Yes, do it you idiot,” the movie is over. Crap.

It’s still early so we go to Rochester for Oktoberfest, to meet up with friends. We talk and joke about the restaurant with little to no awkward moments of silence. I finally find a parking spot and at this point in the evening, I am really enjoying myself and Kay seems to be as well.

RING! It’s Kay’s phone again. “My mom wants me home right now and she won’t say why.” Hiccup number three. Wanting to see Kay again and not make her parents mad, I take her home.

This car ride was a little more nervous than before. I could tell Kay was nervous, which made me nervous. We pull up in her driveway, talk for a second, and do the “I want to kiss you, but I’m gonna pull a hug instead.” Before going in she tells me to go hang out with our friends in Rochester. It was 9:05 on a Friday night, so yes, I was going to hang out.

I meet with everyone at the fest and get  “How’d it go, what happened?” questions.

“Good, except for the ex and her mom.” And here comes the final hiccup. Kay sent a text to our friend Katie. “Her mom found out how old you are,” Katie said. Mama Nguyen Facebook stalked me and saw I was 24.

It was a good first date, minus the little snags that came up. Despite what the “age critics” say, we are both very happy and are dating. Anyone who see’s our goofy-ass smiles when we are together knows we are together and happy. At least, I think she’s happy. Hiccup four.

 

EDITORS NOTE

By DAN SIMONS

Mouthing Off Editor/apparent matchmaker

After weeks of people in my office moaning and complaining about the stupidity, difficulty, and absurdity of trying to date in college, I felt that I, as the perpetually single Mouthing Off editor, needed to give the topic a humourus treatment by forcing the Campus editor to go on a date with one of the radio guys next door. This ought to be funny, right? Tiny little Kay with the towering Wiseman? Print and radio?

It worked. Holy crap. I’ve heard of media convergence but this is ridiculous.