By DAN SIMONS

Mouthing Off Editor

I hate cancer. Cancer sucks.

It’s taken too many good people from us and it slows down those battling against it. You’re out having a good time and BAM! Overzealous cells reproduce out of control and mess everything up.

Yes, it’s a very serious subject. But I strongly feel that if I can’t mouth off about something, then that something has won.

Cancer doesn’t get to win.

That’s why I love the “Save the ta-tas” campaign.

October is breast cancer awareness month, and I’d be a boob not to write about it.

The organization sells clothes with its clever slogans and uses the money to help fight breast cancer and raise awareness. They have a sense of humor about it, and I appreciate that.

I’m all for pink ribbons and cancer walks, so this isn’t saying that other organizations aren’t as good. The Susan G. Komen foundation is one of many other organizations that are all in this fight together, but I’m not going to go tit-for-tat on the subject.

“Laughter heals,” reads one of the shirts, available at http://savethetatas.com/.

Other shirts available include sayings like “Thanks for noticing, save the ta-tas,” “Kiss me, I’m a survivor,” and a buxom supply of other slogans, with all of the graphics placed exactly where you expect them to be.

Cancer is a terrible affliction, and I very much appreciate the female anatomy. I have to admit that I might be biased on the subject; breast cancer is going after something near and dear to my heart, a subject I have given ample attention to.

As a man, I’m trying very carefully not to offend anyone with my humor. My editor doesn’t want people knocking on her door with complaints, but as a fan of controversy I’d love to see a long line of knockers.

There are supple opportunities to use humor to help out a cause. Here are some ideas we can implant to keep people abreast:

A: Sell the Save the ta-tas shirts in popular stores. There are a lot of different styles, so make sure you have a big rack.

B: Put various containers near cash registers with funny sayings on them, in support of fighting breast cancer. People always put money in those jars, so I want to see lots of jugs and cans out there.

C: Sell a collection of entertaining toys in a pouch to give to kids, with the money going to research. When the holiday season comes around, we could give out tons of these fun bags.

D: Give out information packets with details about cancer to keep people informed on the matter. Knowledge is power, and we need to keep people’s minds informed, their noggins educated, and their melons full.

DD: Get a mascot. I think we should go with an avian creature, like the North American Tufted Titmouse, the Barred owl AKA the Eight Hooter owl, or the Blue-footed Booby of the Galapagos islands.

But it all has to be done with humor, because that’s the point I’m trying to get to. Breast cancer is fought, not dealt with. It leaves heroes, not victims. The seriousness of the subject is the cleavage that divides laughing and helping. It is foundations like Save the ta-tas that lifts and separates that attitude and allows people to laugh while fighting.

Can’t we do this with other cancers? We can start a foundation for testicular cancer awareness and call it “Aww, nuts!” They would sell men’s undergarments and snack packs of almonds, cashews and macadamias.

Or, “Don’t kick my ass,” an organization developed to help prevent colon cancer. Shirts would read “Don’t let your : become a ;” (Say it out loud.)

It doesn’t just have to be cancer organizations that funny-up. “Preventing global warming is cool!” or “Don’t be insane, join the Humane … society!”

I guess it’s a lot easier to be funny when anatomy is involved. Those last jokes were kind of a bust.

Despite my fun with puns, the bottom line is that I like to laugh as much as I like to help, so why can’t more organizations do both? Comedy won’t get to the bosom of the problem, but it can bring people together like a series of clasps and straps and offer lots of support through humor. Being a charity with chuckles is a positive thing, and I think we should shine a big light on them, like a pair of giant headlights.

Join me in between the giggling and say down with tumorous ta-tas, no more malignant mammaries, and even though they aren’t as dangerous, boo to benign boobies. Laugh while you donate, smile while you find a cure, and remember that laughter heals.

For more information and how to help, please research http://savethetatas.com/, http://ww5.komen.org/, or http://thepinkribbon.org/