I have a buffalo topiary. That’s a bush that’s shaped like a buffalo Edward Scissorhands-style.

I have three chickens, a duck and a baby turkey I can’t eat. I have a sheep that goes “baa” quite randomly in the background as I catch up on my Lolcats and FAIL blog reading. Never mind climate zones, I have a cherry, lime, pomegranate and peach tree within an unidentified short unit of distance from each other.

I’m playing FarmVille.

I’m not playing because I am avoiding finding something to actually do with my life like get a job or have interpersonal relationships with people who are worth talking to outside of Facebook.

I’m playing it because journalism (if you want to call this section such a thing) is one of the only fields where you can consider FarmVille research.

It’s been 24 hours and I’m starting to understand why the game is so satisfying to people that they feel the need to publish their kind acts such as saving scared turkeys and scooping poop on their high school frenemy’s crops for some experience points.

If only life prompted people with a pop-up bubble to publish every good deed they did in the physical realm onto their Facebook feed, maybe we’d do a little more door opening instead of screaming “f***ing a**hole” to everybody who drives 1 mph slower than us.

Not only are we proving to be a most narcissistic people, but a people who favor lazy narcissism. Social networking, micro-blogging, and now games like FarmVille remove any need to be attractive, famous, or God forbid actually witty, to think that people want to know your every thought or inconsequential move.

Speaking of, I can’t wait to try FishVille so I can brag about an even more insignificant thing than pretending to farm on my computer, such as keeping fish in a tank (that I can’t eat). I thought having fish in real life was pointless.

At least Flash farming is paying homage to the roots of our nation, and the domestic history of our species. I’ve already managed to harvest strawberries and eggplants and collect my first chicken eggs in the time it would normally take me to catch up on my homework. Unfortunately, here I am with nothing to show, not even a real farmer’s tan, but some fake currency.

I noticed that if you want to keep growing your FarmVille estate but you don’t have the patience to wait the four hours to harvest strawberries, two days for pumpkins, etc., you can now buy FarmVille currency with PayPal or credit card. At least the market will never crash in FarmVille. I’m just waiting for the Farmislature to catch up and let me buy my fake crops with my real food stamps.

The one way that the game has managed to save me some money is with the future in-laws. For the two years I’ve been engaged to my fiancé, I’ve been asked, I think jokingly, about where the cow is for the dowry. I was thinking of getting one of those cow lawn ornaments that you attach your hose to its tail and it flies around in the air to water the grass. But now,  I think I have that all taken care of with FarmVille. I just gifted a cow to the in-laws and got one for myself while I was at it. What the hell, you only live once.

Having neighbors is also a big plus. I’ve been living in my house for two years, and my real neighbors are just too much work. No, they don’t ask me to rake their leaves or scare away their crows, but there’s really nothing to gain from neighborly relations, is there? It would be different if my neighbors were a Ned or a Wilson, but they’re not. I would consider doing some fertilization for a God-fearing Ned or some weeding for the advice of a Wilson.

FarmVille has even been a nice reprieve from my actual love life. Now that my live-in fiancé and I are neighbors, I really have no need to converse with him while we’re at home together. I just go to his farm, where he never is even when I know he is ’cause he’s sitting in the other room, and leave a sign on his farm. Maybe he’s busy in the chicken coop or tending to the cotton candy stand (because I’ve seen those on a farm before.)

I have only a few suggestions for FarmVille. How about an iPhone compatible version so I can harvest my crops while on the toilet?

And when am I going to be able to get a dog that looks like my dog? I’d like to feel less guilty about ignoring him while I pet my sheep and send animal-shaped bushes to my closest acquaintances from that class I took freshman year. I’m thinking about registering for a pink tractor for my bridal shower, so let’s work something out with setting that up, too.