3:20 am, the perfect time for companies to send out mass spam e-mails

to everyone who has had the misfortune of signing to their mailing

list. The early morning mail on Jan. 28 was titled, “Introducing iPad.

Our most advanced technology in a magical and revolutionary device at

an unbelievable price.” I’ve never deleted an e-mail faster.

First Apple gets my hopes up for an iAwesome and instead gives me an

iPad, and then they’re lying to me with words like “magical” and

“unbelievable price”? I’m heartbroken.

The iPad, Apple’s newest advance as a tablet computer, was unveiled on

Jan. 27 and is set to release in March for Wi-Fi models and April for

3G.

Just like it was either MySpace or Xanga a decade ago, 2010 demands

you’re either a Mac or a PC. As a PC, I’ve tried to be accepting of

the new products Apple tries to release to us with jaw dropping price

marks. Honestly, I have. I hardly slept the night the iPad might have

been released because I was too busy praying that it would be

something worth note. But no. Instead of getting a beautiful

fairy-dust-spewing “magical” tablet with the newest Mac OS to make da

Vinci worthy Photoshop pieces with our hands, I get what I already

have. An iPod Touch. Magnified x277.

Now I know all the mac lovers are trying to figure out how to switch

windows out of this article back to whatever they were doing

before(which the iPad can’t do, by the way), but Apple has given me a

very strong argument for why I look at its new announcement with a

distasteful eye. It’s missing a lot more than a reasonable name.

The iPad does not have any ports for USB drives, nothing for HDMI

output, and possibly most disappointing of all, it doesn’t have Flash.

All of the work Apple has put into making the Macbook thin and

innovative yet completely functional and up-to-date was just erased

from the drawing board for the iPad. They erased multitasking as well,

meaning that you can’t dig up the newest drama via someone’s status on

facebook and tab out to send an instant message about it. Sorry.

It feels like Apple stretched out an iPod Touch, repackaged it and is

trying to sell it as “new”  and “ground breaking.” What’s new,

honestly? We have the same app market, the same accelerometer… it’s

just larger, brighter and lighter.

But there must be a reason it doesn’t come with ports. Seems that it’s

a very good excuse to tack on all of the “essential” items that the

owner is expected to purchase with it. Such accessories included are a

case for $40, an SD/USB connection kit for $30, and a VGA display

adapter for another $30. And guess what else you can get for your

iPad? A keyboard for $70. Hmn.

If you purchase an iPad with a keyboard, output the display to another

monitor, and get the USB adapter … looks like you should just get a

Macbook. It’s practically the same price and get this: you can do all

these things at once (and even multitask)! Now there’s some

innovation.

Should I have expected this? Am I out of the loop? Did everyone else

know it was going to be the ‘iCraptastic nine thousand’ except me, the

dreamer of a functional, gorgeous piece of machinery to reinvent the

future of technology?

Then again, it certainly has a few qualities of note. Yes it’s

gorgeous. Yes I reeeeally want to lay down and watch Star Trek on it.

I’m sure its wonderful to be able to literally thumb through news

articles and e-books. Plus, it’s only 1.5 pounds with a near 10-inch

screen.

It’s not that it’s a complete flop, I just wish it had more. But it’s

all the same, and I don’t want to pay at a minimum $500 for a Super

Sized iTouch. And that’s just the bottom line.

Why the hell does Apple assume we, as a nation of five by five feet

plasma screens and Blu-rays, want to purchase a $500 super-touch to

stand on a $70 dock to watch a $10 downloaded movie? (not to mention

an extra $130 for 3G). You want decent 32gig memory, internet and

movies? $760. Pay up.

It’s like the more I research this thing, the more I have to complain

about. That’s really not a good thing.

Gizmodo writer Wilson Rothman says in a recent article, “We can sit

here in our geeky little dorkosphere arguing about it all day, but as

much as Apple clearly enjoys our participation, the people Jobs wants

to sell this to don’t read our rants. They can’t even understand

them.” And he’s completely right.

The people who are going to fall in love with the iPad aren’t like me

at all. They don’t want to be able to do thirty things at once, play

Bioshock or do any other thing I make sure is standard in my computer

of choice. They want a visually appealing gadget to listen to music,

browse the Internet and write papers. That’s all.

And that’s fine. It’s just not for me.

However, I look forward to the next generation of the iPad. Hopefully

Apple will take all the criticisms and really make the iPad incredible

and appealing to people outside of their current consumer base. I

would love to see flash and a processor stronger than 1GHz. I would

love to be able to take a giant picture, edit it with PS mobile, show

my friends via hook-up to an HDTV, and then save it to a USB drive. So

much is possible. It just needs to be done.