Sláinte and Erin go bragh

By DAN SIMONS

Mouthing Off editor/ Irresistibly Irish

Ireland has 4,459,547 people living there. 36,278,332 Americans (almost 12 percent of the whole damn country) claim Irish descent. There are eight times as many as Irish people in America than there are in Ireland.

That’s a lot of shamrocks.

From the land of rolling green hills of clover, a turbulent history and a hell of a lot of booze, St. Patty’s day is a day when Irish people celebrate the patron saint who converted the Celtics to Catholics.

The day is for anyone who is Catholic or Protestant,  drunk or sober, searching for a pot o’ gold or just a bottle o’ cheer. We even let non-Irish folk celebrate, because hey, not everyone is perfect.

Some don’t see the point in celebrating SPD because it’s just another excuse to drink, or not everyone is Irish, or because St. Patrick tried to expunge the rich Celtic culture from Ireland.

But you have to realize that the Irish soul is strong and hearty. Not even the potato famine, or grueling societal repression in America, or Lucky the Leprechaun stereotypes could bring us down.

So we party. Hard. Harder than anyone else on the planet. So hard we invite other people to pretend to be us to party. So damned hard that this is the only day the legitimate Irish people don’t drink because they drink the rest of the year. On March 17, six and a half billion people will be Irish. Pass the corned beef and potatoes.

Go n-eírí an bóthar leat (May the road rise with you).Now let’s find the gold in the bottom of this green beer.

Where’s The Italian Equivalent?

By MIKE SANDULA

Senior Reporter/Insatiable Italian

I know what you’re thinking: “What does someone named Sandula know about Italians?” Well, my mother’s maiden name is LaTorre – Italian for “The Tower.” With that said, allow me to explain to you why Italians stand tall over the Irish and deserve a holiday more than the Irish. Green/white/red vs green/white/orange.

Food: ITALIANS. Good food is a must if a holiday wishes to be important. Why do you think no one cares about President’s Day? Maybe if there were a Jefferson Jambalaya, or perhaps a lobster dressed like Lincoln, people would actually celebrate it.

Obviously Thanksgiving leads the charge in this category. Christmas features enough delicious baked goods to last the year. Even the Fourth of July has hamburgers and hotdogs. St. Patrick’s Day has … corned beef and cabbage?

Really? That’s something you’re forced to eat once a year. Pizza is something you crave at least once a week. To be fair, I’m sure if I went to Ireland I could find plenty of good food, but if you’ve ever been in an Italian kitchen you know there’s no comparison.

I’m also awarding Italy bonus points for desserts. Cannolis are part of one of the greatest lines in cinematic history (“Leave the gun; take the cannolis.” – Richard S. Castellano in The Godfather). Lucky Charms notwithstanding, I don’t even know any Irish desserts.

Drinks: TIE. Drinks are just as important as food. The Irish have a strong showing here: Guinness, Harp, Jameson, the list goes on. I’ll let the terrible innovation known as “green beer” slide. But who doesn’t enjoy good Dago red?

The Irish are neck and neck with Germans in fine brews (I personally give the nudge to Ireland). Italy, of course, is wine country. But since beer and wine are too markedly different to compare fairly, I’m forced to declare a stalemate.

History: ITALIANS. OK, so an evil man named Mussolini who did a lot of evil things once ruled Italy. At least we weren’t almost wiped out due to a lack of potatoes.

With those items canceling each other out, it’s the Renaissance for the win.

Contributions to American pop culture: ITALIANS. This used to be an easy win for Italy. Unfortunately, the recent debacle of a show called Jersey Shore has made it a close call. Still, I’m giving us the edge.

Look, Shamrock Shakes are delicious. And the idea of a leprechaun searching for a pot of gold is adorable. But Super Mario Bros. revolutionized the gaming industry.

Putting aside their ‘shroom usage, they can fly, shoot fire and become temporarily invincible. They provide a valuable lesson for a certain guy named Joe on how awesome plumbers can be.

Movies: TIE. In addition to other festivities, it’s nice to have a movie to associate with a holiday.

I reluctantly admit I prefer “Boondock Saints” to “Goodfellas.” I’ve never watched The Departed all the way through, though it looks promising. Don Corleone and company, however, occupy two of the top three slots on IMDb’s “Top 250” list.

In the world of sports movies, it’s hard to not love Rudy. Rocky, on the other hand, never quits (for better or for worse …).

There isn’t a clear-cut winner in this category.

Slogans: ITALIANS. For marketing purposes, it helps for a holiday to have a catchy slogan. “Top o’ the morning to ye” or “I’ll make you an offer you can’t refuse.” Hopefully I needn’t elaborate.

Overall: The Italians pick up four wins while the Irish manage only two ties. I’ll play nice and allow the Irish to keep their holiday. I ask only to see the creation of an Italian equivalent. How about “Salute to the Boot” day? Or “Without The Italian Renaissance, We’d Still Be In The Dark Ages” day?

As far as where in the calendar year it would fall, why not March 18? I think everyone agrees mostaccoli would make for a great cure for an Irish car bomb hangover.

Belfast and the Furious

By CAILIN JASON

WXOU Assistant program director/ Lady Leprechaun

Ever since I was a wee tot, my family’s Irish cultural history has influenced my life.

The influence begins at the most identifying label of who I am: my name. (For you wankers who do not know my name, look up before continuing).

No, there is no misspelling. No, my parents did not forget the “T.” My name, pronounced k + lin, is actually the traditional Gaelic form of Colleen.

Even though my name has given me some trouble, I am thankful for the options my mother passed on: Beibhinn (be + veen), Eibhlin (eve + linn), or Siobhan (shiv + awn). Oh, the wacky Irish and their silent B’s.

A major part of the Irish culture found in my family came from my grandfather, who was born in Dublin. My grandfather was a well-known Uilleann piper in the Detroit Irish music scene.

I was constantly around Irish music as a kid, and to this day, whenever I hear a jig, my toe starts to tap. I even tried out the fiddle for a few years, but being tone deaf while trying to learn a musical instrument are not a good combination.

When I was 12 years old, my mother married a man from Belfast, Northern Ireland. I owe my ability to understand ridiculous accents and mumbling to this man; also, my tendency to curse like a sailor.

Present-day: This year is the first year I can “legally” celebrate St. Patrick’s Day.

This day began as a Christian holiday to remember the patron saint of Ireland, St. Patrick. However, in America, it has become about drinking and debauchery.

For those who do not support the Americanization of this holiday, you do not appreciate what it means to be social in Ireland: drinking and debauchery, but in a good way.

During a 10 day trip to the Emerald Isle with my family my freshman year of high school, my brother counted how many pubs were located down one block. He counted 12, and that was only one side of the street. I really need to go back there soon.

These pubs are not just about drinking. They encourage socialization and community, and that is what St. Patrick’s Day is for me. Irish-Americans are given a chance to demonstrate love of their culture, and non-IA’s are encouraged to participate as well.

Who wouldn’t want to participate? This is the country that brought you Colin Farrell, Guinness beer, Bram Stoker, and for the pompous, U2.

Where is the day encouraging me to be Greek, Cuban, Cambodian, or Zimbabwean? All I can say is: Pog mo thoin.

So for all of the Irish and non-Irish, enjoy your drinking and debauchery this St. Patrick’s Day. Come March 18th, it’s just not acceptable.