Check out the center spread of this article in the April 7 issue of The Oakland Post – because studying for finals is for losers.

An addicts account

My name is Dan and I’m addicted to energy drinks.

With finals coming up and college students needing every bit of energy they can get to work jobs, do homework, study and do stupid things they can later cover up by saying “Hey, it was college,” energy drinks will flow like rivers on our campus and students tell their internal clocks to kiss their ass and tell sleep to go to hell.

If anyone knows about energy drinks, it’s me.

I have slayed many Monsters, I have tamed many Red Bulls. I have partied harder than a Rockstar and I’ve destroyed a few Amps in the process. The back seat of my car looks like an aluminum can recycling plant exploded.

It’s not like I need a drink when I wake up, or I get the shakes after a while — I’m more of a binge energy drinker. I’ll go a few days without them and then drink two or three and bounce off the walls and stay up late to do absolutely nothing productive at all. Some people drink them every day and thus the chemicals don’t affect them. Where is the fun in that? Don’t you want to re-arrange furniture at 4 a.m. just because?

I can tell you the difference between an energy drink buzz and a coffee buzz. Too much coffee and I can’t concentrate, like there is this high pressure cloud of nothingness right behind my eyeballs that stops me from thinking clearly but allows me to kill the crap out of people in video games. Energy drinks feel like some sort of creature has spawned in my brain stem and he wants out, and that’s why I’m convinced stealing shopping carts to crash into each other is an awesome idea.

The energy drink vending machine right outside the office of The Post has seen more of my money than the bookstore. I’ve collected dimes and nickles off the floor and in couch cushions to feed that machine so it can feed me.

So sit back and crack open another can. Don’t worry, the shakes go away after a while.

You are going to die: How caffeine works

Caffeine is found in plants and is used to prevent bugs from eating the plant. The same bugs that crawl on feces won’t touch this stuff, and yet you buy cans of it at a time. Good job, nature.

Every second you’re alive, your brain is sending signals to your body that everything is fine and dandy. It’s only when the signal stops when the body part takes action. Kind of like when your significant other stops texting you back and you freak out.

Caffeine blocks the signal from the brain to the adrenal glands, right above your kidneys. Ever see a movie where someone cuts the phone line to a building? Caffeine is that guy.

Like a mother who hasn’t heard from her kid in a while, the adrenal glands go berserk and release adrenaline into the body, thinking that there is something wrong going on. It’s part of our body’s natural fight or flight response.

Caffeine is literally convincing your body that you are going to die and your body is trying to stop that.

It is not the caffeine that gives you energy, it’s just the catalyst to your own release of energy. Adrenaline makes the airways open up to accept more oxygen, it makes the heart pump faster to get that oxygen to the rest of the body, and it increases reaction time and dilates the pupils so you can see what is about to kill you so you can avoid it. This also makes you play video games better and allows you to stay up later to study for finals.

Roller coasters, a fist fight, drowning, being shot at and crashing your car result in the same chemical reactions as a can you find in the convenience store.

With energy drinks, all those added goodies like B vitamins, taurine, carnitine, and other hard-to-pronounce chemicals are there to aid the caffeine to get into your system faster, stronger, and longer. If caffeine is the spy cutting the phone line, the extras in energy drinks are his tool kit.

So, to recap: A substance that not even bugs will touch convinces your body that you are about to freaking die and energy drinks helps this happen a lot faster.

Drink up kids!

Top Five Energy Drinks

Lo-Carb Monster — This version of Monster is the closest any energy drink has gotten to tasting like the real thing without inducing diabetes. Without the sugar holding you back, Lo-Carb Monsters can be imbibed by the case full, assuming you don’t mind your heart exploding from your chest.

Full Throttle — Coca-Cola’s flagship energy drink tastes like lightning struck a tree bearing all the right fruits and they conveniently fell into a big black can. Somewhere between a lemon-lime flavor and liquid amazing, Full Throttle tantalizes the taste buds, titillates the tongue, and slaughters the sleep cycle.

Amp 88 Special Edition — I never thought I would say this, but I love a product associated with NASCAR. The official drink sponsor of Dale Earnhardt Jr. is a mix of orange, berry, and lime flavors, proving that Amp’s flavor inventing process involves locking a guy in a room and telling him not to come out until he mixes three things together and he gets something tasty.

Bawls — I love the taste of Bawls in my mouth. The bottles are designed with specials bumps, so when condensation forms, you can easily grab your sweaty Bawls. The sugar free kind comes in a clear bottle but doesn’t taste the same, so make sure to grab your blue Bawls. You can stay up all night if you’ve got the Bawls for it.

Coffee — Nothing beats a classic. Energy drinks for grown ups. Found in every office and at any restaurant, coffee has been the backbone of the all-nighter for ages. As simple as hot water run through ground beans and as complex as a seven word order from a pretentious café, coffee is the gruff old guy required in any action movie as the time-tested badass.

Worst 5 Energy Drinks

Rip It — Named after what you do to a fart, this energy drink is the Wal-Mart version of an energy drink, and it tastes like it. More than one person I know says the only drinkable version is the orange, which is only because not even a dollar-store attempt at energy drinks could possibly mess up the awesome flavor of oranges.

Rock Star Cola — The inventor of this drink clearly hates people. Imagine if someone left off-brand cola in their trunk over the summer. Add some flat root beer and the taste of Jagermeister but without the alcohol and you have this abomination. I choked down one can of this for the sake of journalism and hope no one else has to do the same.

Monster Khaos/M-80/Mixxd — This is what happens when Monster tries to add natural fruit juices to their drinks. Except whatever fruit they squeezed for these drinks must have been rotting, covered in fungus, or maybe just cabbage in disguise. No amount of cool alternative spelling will make these not taste like krap.

Drank — This one is actually an “extreme relaxation beverage” and while it tasted great, the herbs and extracts in it gave me a raging headache while at the same time I couldn’t keep my eyes open and suddenly couldn’t feel my elbows or knees. You know what else makes people relax? A nap. And those don’t make people look drunk in their office.

Coffee — Yes, this one is both good and bad. Start adding milk, chocolate, flavors and creams to coffee and it becomes a fattening sugar bomb. Start drinking the really good coffee and you give up on low end instant coffee, like a junkie finding a better fix. A Venti quad-espresso soy no-whip cinnamon dolce is not an energy drink, it’s stupid in a cup.

Fun Facts:

Things people have added caffeine to: Soap, lip balm, gum, body wash, brownies, beef jerky, cookies, lollipops, chocolate and of course, booze.

Coffee was discovered when an Ethiopian herder noticed his goats were jumping after eating the shrubs coffee comes from. Don’t ask how he discovered Horny Goat Weed.

John Hopkin’s medical center states caffeine is the worlds most widely used drug. Eighty to 90 percent of North Americans use it on a daily basis, and those who don’t are freaking weird.

The closest two Starbucks cafés are three feet apart. One is a story above the other in a mall in Oregon, where there is nothing better to do but drink coffee.

Coffee was introduced to Europe when Turk invaders brought it with them. Coffee — Helping people do things like invade Europe since 1522.

Caffeine is found in plants (like cocaine), is a bitter white powder in its purest state (like cocaine), is considered addictive by many people (like cocaine), and is the primary ingredient in energy drinks (like Cocaine, a product from Redux Beverages, which has three times more caffeine than Red Bull).

Energy drinks are a market estimated to reach $10 billion in value this year. The Oakland Center cafeteria sells 16 oz. energy drinks for $2.49, just under the price of a gallon of gasoline. Thirty miles in a car, or 30 minutes of twitching?