Don’t eat that, it will kill you

By Rory McCarty

Eating food is probably my favorite pastime, next to taking naps. So maybe you can understand why I panic every time I open a newspaper to read about the latest food group to be tainted with salmonella or E. coli. I’m thinking now that it was a mistake to friend the FDA on Facebook.

The recent nationwide recall of salmonella-tainted eggs is still fresh in the minds of consumers. The investigation revealed, among other things, giant piles of excrement left unattended in chicken pens. This is literally a bunch of crap.

Not just that, but recent E. coli outbreaks have prompted voluntary recalls in foods like ground beef, iceberg and romaine lettuce, bean sprouts, ground pepper, green onions and tomatoes.

Thanks to runoff from animal farms, even vegetarians are not safe from food poisoning. Thanks for nothing, PETA. When are vegetables going to get their fair treatment?

Before long, even Breatharians will be threatened as our light and air turn on us as well.

I’ve been worried about our food since the first reports of Mad Cow disease put into mind the image of a rabid cow crashing into my living room, gnashing and biting and putting hoof-prints on the upholstery.

Fresh food is not the only thing trying to poison us. A group of cans of SpaghettiO’s were recalled earlier this year for being “under-processed.” I can only imagine this meant that one of the cans had become sentient and had started a revolution among its pasta brethren. They have since been “reprocessed” and integrated back into grocery stores.

Now, the FDA is considering releasing a genetically modified form of salmon for public consumption. These so-called frankenfish have been given genes from eels that allow them to grow about twice as fast as regular ones. We are officially one step away from a Sci-Fi Channel original movie. “Danger Salmon.”

I don’t want to be considered alarmist, but when the FDA is considering not labeling the genetically modified fish differently than naturally grown fish, then I start to hyperventilate.

In Michigan, we’re currently in the process of using an electric fence to keep out an invasion of rapidly producing, aggressively expanding Asian carp.

The same fish have been known to leap out of the water and slam into fishermen. And yet, we have a company that wants to put a veritable clonetrooper army on the market.

By the way, how does one build an electric fence in the water without killing every living thing in the area?

In the not too distant future, the FDA may consider approving genetically altered “EnviroPigs” for public consumption as well. The waste these pigs put out supposedly has a less dramatic impact on the environment.

This bothers me for two reasons. First, I don’t trust any animal whose doody doesn’t stink. Second, I was under the impression that once the fuel apocalypse comes, pig poop is going to be our main source of energy for powering our Thunderdomes.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got nothing against making pigs that make more hams, or hams that come pre-honey glazed and spiral cut. I’m just worried about trusting our food oversight to the organization that oversees food production.

Oftentimes the people running the FDA are the same people who worked as heads of the food industry itself. That would be like if I gave up a life of crime to work as a police officer. And then I sat at my desk playing Solitaire all day.

The companies that make Danger Salmon and EnviroPig will no doubt patent their genetically altered forms of life. Maybe in the future, instead of branding cattle, we’ll be able to stamp a trademark on them.

The way I figure it, the only safe option is to eat nothing but hot dogs. That way, I at least already know when I’m eating 3 percent offal.