Paper towels and vacuum cleaners, making Michigan’s weather more hospitable

By John Doe

If the recent weather scare -— which, last time I checked, was classified as a Class 9 Double Tornado Cyclone X Triplicate — was a reminder to those of us living in the great state of Michigan, one thing is certain: The weather here sucks.

However, after eighteen years of hearing virtually everyone complain about my mitten-shaped state’s infamous weather, I have decided that it’s finally time to get off the worry-wagon and do something about it.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Rocco, how are we going to make the temperature hotter or colder whenever we want to?” Well, to answer your question, we can’t have both. So, let’s take a vote. Who wants it to be cold all year?

Too bad, idiot, you can’t boogie board in the winter, so heat it is. Now, let us commence Operation Warmer Mitten.

If you are an environmentalist, please put this paper down and walk away. I’ll wait…

I can’t believe they just threw the paper on the ground like that! Some environmentalist.

Okay, now that we’ve rid ourselves of those jokers, let’s get down to brass tacks. I’ve always wanted to use that phrase, despite not knowing it’s actual definition.

Making Michigan warmer year-round isn’t going to be a walk in the park. It’s definitely going to take some major changes in the way us “Michiganders” go about our daily lives.

It starts in the home. If there is any hope at all for success, everyone must destroy their freezers. If we do this, ice cannot be created, thus putting an end to virtually all cold air. You stay outta this, scientists!

It all comes down to this: No freezers, no freezing weather. Use your brains folks; it’s as simple as that.

Now, to address this whole, “rain” thing that people keep on babbling about. “Rain, rain, go away, come again another day,” right?

Wrong. How about, “Hey rain, get the hell out of here and don’t ever come back again. Ever.”

Think about it, if a burglar came into your home and took all of your stuff, leaving you with only a Gameboy Color and a bag of Fritos, you wouldn’t tell that perpetrator to get out of your house but come back another time; it’s just common sense. Why would rain be any different? So, how will we take care of this problematic precipitation? We will, rather predictably, fill in the great lakes, and other bodies of water, with Bounty paper towel (none of that brown recycled stuff).

Without any water to evaporate into the clouds, all of the Cloud Wizards will no longer be able to conjure up any more rain.

On top of this, we can use this new land, where the lakes used to be, for more important things, like condos and a new arena for the Red Wings. They’re called priorities, people. Get it together.

Without rain or cold weather, this state of ours is starting to sound an awful lot like a little place called paradise, but I’m not done just yet. If you thought this was already perfect, then you have overlooked a very important piece to the weather puzzle: wind.

Indeed, blustery winds have plagued Michigan for as long as anyone can remember. That is why I have, of course, come up with a seemingly obvious solution to all of  this. What’s the best tool to fight blowing with? That’s right chuckles; it’s sucking. As in that of a vacuum. Seriously, filter your thoughts.

If we meticulously place vacuums all around the state, all of the wind will be sucked up and we can use it to power our cars or something else that would excite all of the hippies. It’s time to start thinking greener-er.

If people follow these carefully-written guidelines, I’m pretty sure we can abolish the nasty weather that has made Michigan hard to live in for some of its population.

A lot of people may think that my ideas are a joke. Clearly, though, there is nothing funny about conquering Cloud Wizards and sucking up wind with vacuums.

Now, if we could just find another place to store ice cream and Hot Pockets.