When checking out, go to the clerk that looks like they hate their life the most. A chipper, Santa hat-wearing clerk hopped up on No-Doz will try to engage you in conversation, wasting precious time. You need to get out of there and on to the next place. The disillusioned, nihilistic cashier will shuffle you through as fast as they can just to get you out of their face.

Run first to the back of the store where the big discount items are. All the items with rebates on them are up front. Stores figure that the average shopper is too stupid and/or lazy to understand how rebates work, so they make money on those items. Just before you check out is where you can grab all the “Oh $#^%, I forgot Billy!” presents.

More insane customers have been known to get a layout of the store days in advance. They’ll draw up a map of the store, figure out where the most desirable stuff will be, plot a course through the store for maximum efficiency and maybe do a few dry runs with a stopwatch. This is a waste of time. On the eve of battle, the store will be completely rearranged, with pallets of action figures blocking off aisles and parapets of Lego sets forming toy fortresses. This is because retail employees hate their jobs and delight in confounding the patrons.

If you want to turn the entire store against you, by all means, pay for your stuff with a check. In the amount of time it takes the clerk to process it, every person in line behind you and most of the cashiers will be ready to rip your head off and hang it from the sale banners as a warning. Trust me, I’ve lived this moment time and time again.

If you really want to get the edge on your fellow deal hunters, dress in khakis and the appropriately colored polo shirt: supermarket camouflage. When a frazzled father approaches you and asks where the scented candles are, snatch the DVD boxed set from him, tuck it under your arm and take off like a running back before he realizes what’s happened. Stiff arm or hurdle past any obstacles.

Some stores are open 24 hours, so the sale technically starts at midnight. In this case, find yourself a good hiding spot early on. Crouch amongst the stuffed animal display, and at the turn of midnight, spring from it like a jungle cat and pounce on that leather recliner you have staked out.

Most of all, if you have an ounce of practical sense just avoid the chaos all together and stick to online shopping. Cyber Monday, the online version of Black Friday, typically brings in more money for companies. In this case you’ll need a reliable Internet connection, plenty of caffeine and a splint for your finger after you break it trying to press the “refresh button” 30 times a minute.