This column is not for the faint of heart.

A devastating 2,000-mile stretch of wintery warfare unleashed itself upon the nation from the Great Plains to the East Coast.

Towering walls of snow have barricaded the greater part of the nation, creating endless whiteouts allowing for little to no visibility.

On Tuesday night, the storm dubbed “The Snowpocalypse” assaulted Michigan.

Perhaps you noticed?

Expert and amateur weathermen alike have called it the worst storm ever. It’s as if Hurricane Katrina mated with the Edy’s Ice Cream factory and their child had a temper tantrum and escaped from the psych ward, holding nothing back and mercilessly dousing us with snow and ice the size of basketballs. And the storm doesn’t even feel any shame or remorse for its actions.

Some meteorologists have even predicted that tornadoes will sprout from the sky in this frozen Hell on Earth.

Schools and workplaces were quick to announce closings prior to even seeing a single flake, for the Snowpocalypse was imminent.

Oakland University closed up shop for the evening classes on Tuesday and smartly declared the Wednesday commute to be a death trap and canceled classes then too.

TBS announced they would only be airing disaster movie “The Day After Tomorrow” for the rest of the week to give those stuck inside their homes a visual of what is actually happening beyond their four walls.

Picture this: Snow. Ice. Tornadoes. Fire. Vampire-Tiger-Sharks. It’s not even March and the madness is being unleashed by the plow full.

Snowpocalypse has arrived, folks!

Reports from areas already hit by the blizzard of death have issued warnings for everyone to stay inside in the wake of this weather catastrophe.

Going outside will result in immediate death. Your blood will freeze in your veins and dogs will use your frozen fruity limbs as popsicles once the storm subsides.

At first I didn’t believe all the hype. But I was forced to brave the elements when I got home from work yesterday. Snow was already starting to pile against the front door. I had forgotten some things in my car and when I went to go outside, I swear I heard the door say, “no.” Well, I thought it was the door. It may also have been my roommate aggressively wrapping his arms around my waist in fear for his life.

Either way, Snowpocalypse is not going to relent for anybody. Looks like I am cuddling with a sad, lonely man tonight.

If you are to test the limits of yourself and Mother Nature’s wrath to grab a copy of The Oakland Post (which I highly recommend doing in spite of potential death), please be on your top guard.

You should already be aware that residents of Michigan cannot control their car in even a millimeter of snow. So prepare yourself to be stuck in a line of soccer mom-style minivans and Geo Prizms driven by dorky high school kids that have snow days.

Also, do not confuse playful snow men with old men who went outside to get the mail. It’s an easy mistake to make and quite a frightening sight.

I wish you all a happy dreaded snow day. Good luck surviving in the aftermath of the 2011 Snowpocalypse, Snownami, Snowmageddon or whatever doomsday title you want to give it.

I am henceforth referring to it simply as “the worst day imaginable.” Historians will soon follow suit.

I don’t mean to be bleak, but there is no hope in sight. There’s actually nothing in sight due to poor visibility.

Be prepared for the most droll days of your life, stuck inside your small living quarters and being forced to listen to your roommates and family members slowly lose their wits.

May Jake Gyllenhaal and Dennis Quaid save us all.