Urgent news alert: The culprit behind the recent events affecting the planet unveiled itself over the weekend. The answer to the sudden increase in tidal surges, massive earthquakes and epic amounts of winning has come to a head.

The so-called “supermoon” lit up the night sky last Saturday, coming closer to Earth than it had been in 18 years. I am currently on a similar cycle with women, however, I do not get nearly enough press.

Twitter was at wit’s end, even giving the event its own hashtag in it’s famed 15 minutes. Celebrities and nobodies alike were aloof and howling like Warren Zevon in quivering, moist anticipation of the supermoon’s night arrival.

And then, nothing.

As usual, science disappointed every stargazer who set their expectations ridiculously high. The moon was brighter than usual. Tremendous. I cannot contain my sheer unabashed excitement.

Here’s a little history on the origin of the supermoon phenomenon — it’s a moon in the full or new phase that correlates with its closest distance to the Earth. Astrologer Richard Nolle coined this term back in good old 1979. In this superstate, it is the easiest for cows to jump over the moon. All according to Wikipedia, of course.

The populace of the planet inflated this moderate-to-rare occurrence like it would be a life-changing experience, one equivalent to shaking hands with Mahatma Gandhi or Charlie Sheen.

The moon still looked like the moon, a giant revolving rock hundreds of thousands of miles away. Its only notable difference to the naked eye was it shone like Robert Pattinson in sunlight. The Twilight saga didn’t nearly suck as bad as the supermoon, mostly because I expected to end Twilight halfway through by severing my carotid artery with a grapefruit spoon.

But hold the telephone there, kiddies! This may have been an incredible fail for our romantic rooftop midnight make-out plans, but the effects rendered by the moon’s proximity to Earth has been tragic. It’s so devastating that I may actually be edited from being funny after this point.

Scientists are piping off that the supermoon had nothing to do with the earthquake that shifted Japan, but I beg to differ.

There was even a posed supermoon risk window from March 16-22. Anything that has strayed from perfection up to this point can be blamed solely on the thoughtless actions of supermoon.

Rising tides in Japan, Texas defeating Oakland in the NCAA tournament, this is creating havoc on everything we know. Be thankful you are the property of America, moon; innocent until proven guilty. Libya would have blasted you to space dust with a rocket by now.

People are always looking for some questionably relevant reason to plop the blame for their woes on, and in this case, the large magnitude earthquake in the Pacific Ocean and the massive tides as part of the aftershock are the subjects of scrutiny. Poor old moon is the scapegoat now, staring down at pudgy fingers being prodded in its direction.

Sometimes scientific reasoning can’t save us. In the end of it all, these tragedies just happen, and I guarantee similar scenes will occur again — supermoon, mega-moon, axe-murderer moon, there is no justification for holding our natural satellite at fault for Earth’s inhabitants’ problems. If it’s covered in blood, wielding a hatchet, soaked red, then perhaps it’s an issue to explore.

We can all relax now though, comrades. At this point the moon will continue to orbit us and life will go back to its regularly scheduled programming. Sit back with a nice glass of scotch, kick back and watch the infamous Rebecca Black video for a 100th time and know that everything is going to be just fine.