Sequester me from summer sequels

By John Doe

Summer is back again, Grizzlies, and I couldn’t be more ecstatic!

Warm days and cool nights — the perfect summer for me to spend inside the Rochester Emagine theater getting plastered on $9 Long Island Iced Teas.

I am completely out of the loop in terms of what fantastic films are coming to the dark, cavernous theaters this year. Curious to know what will be distracting me from contracting skin cancer on the beach and shortening my life span, I scanned the Internet for answers.

Almost to my surprise, I have been daftly disappointed.

All I see is a slew of sequels that render my face red and prompt me to attack yet another media outlet.

Does Hollywood even have creativity anymore? I don’t want anyone in a lofty office over on the West Coast getting an aneurysm overworking his or her brain thinking to create fourth “Scream.” The title alone forces me to shrill in sheer terror. I’m over you Courtney Cox; just let the Ghostface Killer gut you already.

I skimmed the lineup of movies making their theater debuts this year.

At current count, 27 sequels, three-quels, spin-offs, reboots or worse are being dropped like plagues on the masses for the calendar year of 2011.

Someone call Guinness Book: I’ve found a feat worthy of winning a record for the biggest pile of crap.

As I type this, right on cue a “Fast and the Furious 5” ad glows from the TV screen, sending me into my own personal fit of fury that ended up with a shattered plasma and broken window. Vin Diesel makes me want to slap my mother out of petulance. It still baffles me that these senseless fanatics are even interested in seeing the same washed-up story lines and flatlining characters.

The industry is the laziest pile of compost in recent history, regurgitating and nearly drowning movie buffs with stale cinema. That old adage “if it isn’t broke, don’t fix it” does not apply in many of these situations. The original “Paranormal Activity,” for example, was a great independent movie, but does its financial success deem it worthy of being ruined by rehashed clones?

A trailer of the third installation advertises a ghost wearing a white sheet, for crying out loud. That’s horrifying in its own right.

At least some of these films are getting proper taglines to correlate with the timeliness of these movies. The few examples I can really recall are: “Transformer 3: Funding Michael Bay’s New Island,”

“Harry Potter and the Senior Center of Dementia,” “Final Destination 5: Die Already” and “The Hangover Part II: We’re Drunk Again.”

I’m doing my best to cope with this nettlesome situation, but even the animated studios succeed in upsetting me endlessly. “Cars 2?” “Kung Fu Panda 2?”

I had respect for and enjoyed the original movies, but now I’m hoping they combine these two ideas and Panda Po gets struck by a sports car. The animated panda, not a real one, animal rights activists.

Did anyone even watch the first two “Big Mommas Houses?” What would prompt some tool in a snazzy green suit to think creating a third one would be a financial and valuable success? I’m sick of seeing actors play out their fantasies of husky housewives on camera.

If my math is all accurate, just slightly south of 20 percent of the pictures released this year are drawn-out-of-the-hat movies.

Why is the world making it so easy for the people of Hollywood to do their jobs?

As I am not a mindless sheep, I will be boycotting these flagrant films this summer season, and I encourage you to not pump your funds into these movies either.

Looks like I’ll be working on my farmer’s tan this year after all, and I am going to need to quadruple my intake of Long Island Iced Teas.