A fate worse than death

By Brian Figurski

Unless your name has an uncanny rhyme to yo momma been squattin’, you haven’t been hiding for nearly a decade and have had regular access to internet, television, and other modern commodities.

I am going to go ahead and make an ass out of the both of us and assume that you are fully aware of the death of Osama bin Laden.

I will also assume that you, average American, are the ones who have been partying in the name of the al-Qaida leaders exoneration, cheering in front of the White House, blaring “Celebration” into the wee morning hours in my condominium parking lot.

Killing terrorists. It’s as much an American cliché as apple pie and baseball, right?

I find the sight of the masses hoarded, jubilating the death of another human being, no matter how despicable, an act more sadistic and demented than the average train of thought even I am capable of.

Let’s get down to brass tacks here. I’m done sugarcoating the issue. I’m going to be blunt and blurt this out.

I wish Osama bin Laden were still alive.

Hold off the swarm of threatening letters, please! Here me out before you pelt me with tomatoes and claim me to be un-American.

While I am not in favor of euthanasia under any circumstances, I agree this man has been a threat worthy of America’s radar, and his eminent death was not a surprise in the slightest.

I support a cause even more American that putting a bullet into someone, and this cause is extraneous torture.

If you’re going to dehumanize this man and kill him in cold blood, we might as well reap some benefits out of keeping him breathing.

Osama bin Laden, a vile man responsible for the deaths of thousands of Americans, and we simply put him out of his misery with a couple bullets.

Wouldn’t it be a much worse punishment to clamp his eyelids open and replay the royal wedding until the natural end of his days? Sit him under heat lamps couple with repetitive plays of the Katy Perry/Kanye West disaster “E.T.”?

Think of all the things we could have done with this heinous man for profit! Dunk contests at the carnival. The star of his own terrible reality TV show. The income could have gone straight back into our economy, and we can finally stop fueling the destructive lives of those Jersey Shore brats.

We could have cut the deficit in half with “Get your picture taken with a terrorist.” We should have had the brains behind plans like this back when we had Saddam swaying from the gallows.

A little late for all the multi-million dollar ideas now, however.

Jokes aside, these ideas are even more despicable than what has actually happened to him. The best thing we could have done to him is took him captive and shoved him into solitary isolation for the rest of his life. Maybe given him a TV so he could interpret and tell everyone exactly what the hell is going on in those “Judas” videos by Lady Gaga.

Bottom line here is the idea of celebrating the death of another human being is appalling and many Americans have been cracking cold ones recently. No death should ever be celebrated.

Good riddance, a heinous man is extinct. Now stop popping champagne bottles like ignorant douches and get back to work.