Not your average Oscar Mayer weiner

By Brian Figurski

Finally! The cosmos could not have aligned at a better moment. Being a humor ‘writer’, I am so excited I can douse this page with genital jokes and it fits in perfectly with the times. After all, bathroom jokes are my alma mater.

Now I just have to wait for Steve Skidmark to take position in a political office and do some public defecation, or Senator Clarissa Cleavage to have a wardrobe malfunction. Then I can die a fulfilled life.

It brings me back to a quote from my dear old grandpap, “Immaturity is the sincerest form of flattery,” and then he cupped his hand in his armpit and made fart noises.

But I digress; on to the weiner jokes!

For those who have never heard of CNN or the Internet, Representative Anthony Weiner of New York has been caught sending a picture of his, umm, weiner, to a young woman over Twitter, a scandal now being dubbed ‘Weinergate’,

This is going to be so hard to get through without snickering.

At this point, something like this is not an uncommon or surprising occurrence, although I once thought sexting was a fad tapped by teenagers. Now we have adults in positions of power abusing the Internet relentlessly.

Aside from the distasteful behavior displayed by Weiner, I see several other mistakes on his part, aside from getting caught.

Firstly, when Weinergate was first unleashed to the media, he denied that the photograph was of himself. Someone hacked his account, he was being framed, et cetera.

I’ve never heard of Anthony Weiner before his weiner, so I found it hard to believe someone would try to shatter the path of his political career. Exceptions to the rule would be disgruntled high school nerds he used to pick on, now capable of breaking into his social network accounts (password – kittens1), but even that was a stretch.

This was also obviously not true, because both the photograph and Weiner share a similar mole.

Alright, so the guy finally admitted it was him. He gets off on sending pictures of his stuff to women. Weiner swears though he has never been sexually involved with the woman in question.

That’s the second mistake. Weiner, I’ve done the same thing, flashed a shaft at an unsuspecting woman. The only thing it has ever done was scared them off and sent me home alone.

It has the nickname ‘junk’ for a reason. Nobody wants to see genitalia for sight’s sake, male or female. If it’s not going to get used, don’t bother showing anybody. Words to live by – you can touch it, but don’t look at it. That being said, I was rather impressed.

Issue number three – Twitter? Really? You have the usages for websites all backwards. Twitter is a website for publishing short, humorous and racially-ignorant comments. If you want to flip out the bing-bong, use Chatroulette. People won’t even know it’s you, whether an unknown politician or a 23-year-old student journalist.

There is an overwhelming amount of individuals under the heat lamps in recent years over their sexual promiscuities, from Weiner to Elliot Spitzer, Mark Sanford, granddaddy Bill Clinton, and the list goes on. Slowly I am realizing that most men, probably including myself, are testosterone-inflated pigs.

So, Mr. Weiner, I hope you’ve learned from history here and decided to stop misusing technology to expose yourself to women and consequently to the entire world. From one dedicated flasher to another, if you have something to lose, don’t whip out the tube. We can avoid any future Weinergates from accidentally slipping out if us deprived men can just suck it up and tuck it in.

Here’s to getting your political career back on track. If that doesn’t pan out however, it appears you could probably lead a lucrative career as a male stripper.