Expert Tip: No Bathroom Eating

By Brian Figurski

Hello, freshmen and returning students to Oakland University! Did you miss me over your summer vacation? Probably not since most of you do not know who I am. Those who are familiar with me usually drink my memory into repression at every given opportunity.

I am new to this fine university, but in my short tenure attending classes this summer, I’m going to give you freshmen a breakdown of how to survive this school year without ripping your hair out of your scalp.

I’ve learned that I hate a lot of people. This is a pessimistic attribute passed down from my lovely mother at conception, but is severely exploited when the lot of these antagonists pick up on my friendly attitude and place themselves next to me in class.

At heart, I’m a failure of a comedian. I find the worse end of that spectrum is the class clown who had his funny bone removed at birth. This guy or gal will chime in a countless end of ‘jokes’ or add his off-color commentary to a serious lecture, disrupting the class and have you penetrating your textbook with a pen in anger.

Times have changed. You just can’t throw out a ‘that’s what she said’ and expect respect anymore.

For those new to the university scene, you might find yourself invited to some parties around town. Put your schoolwork first; don’t drink yourself into remission.

I’ve only been here four months and now it takes twice as many wine coolers for me to get double vision. I do not have the funds to pick up four-packs of Seagrams each night anymore. Fraternities loved the boxed Franzia.

Whether you embrace it or not, Oakland University will most likely become a second home to you. Late nights at Kresge Library or hanging out at the Fireside Lounge watching stupid cat videos on Youtube, you’ll be spending a lot of time on campus.

It is not your home. Do not take your shoes off sitting at the Subway. No taking intermittent naps between classes on the park benches. I have a sharpie stashed in my bookbag for face-doodling purposes specifically, or ink-poisoning the rest of your sub.

The most valuable lesson I have learned is to not eat your lunch in the ladies’ room. I know they have those luxurious couches in there. Those comfortable, dreamy rest stops.

You can really get into some awkward situations walking into those restrooms and seeing someone gouging on a tuna salad sandwich and painting their toenails, especially if you have a penis. You quickly turn into a pervert and get your picture posted on the wall. I’m still not sure if I’m allowed in Varner anymore.

Avoid what I’m doing right now. This extracurricular activity, writing for the Oakland Post, professors read this stuff, even my disposable view of the world. When I wind up in their class and they put a face to the name, chances are they will expect a big red nose and rainbow-shaded clown ‘fro on my head.

I’m not disavowing you don’t join the ranks of school spirit, but mind your manners. I’ve already spent 500 words destroying my credibility, so turning back at this stage would be pointless. Don’t act a fool in publication.

So there are some quick pointers I’ve picked up on both vicariously and quite literally in my time thusfar as a Golden Grizzly.

Despite my misdoings, I really like this school. I am not so sure the feeling is mutual.

Don’t end up in my dunce cap. You’re going to take me out swinging if you really want that crown. I’m not much for sharing the title of biggest jackass.

And I promise next time I won’t spend the entire back cover of the Post talking about myself.