Fans: worse than fumbled plays

By Brian Figurski

I can’t believe what I’m seeing these past two weeks. My favorite sports team to berate and hate is making my leisurely activities very difficult, and I don’t know how I can function without absolute disdain for something.

The Lions have won their first two games. For those who don’t give a flying fap about sports, this is a reality! The Lions are actually positive on the leaderboard!

Fortunately, this surprising twist of luck for the sports franchise has given me a new reason to gripe — you, the fans.

I’ve never been a real big Lions fan. Not enough to say I ever hated them, but I would normally continue to bet my hard-earned money against them.

Most of you would have agreed with me a calendar ago, but oh my how times have changed.

Everyone is hopping on the Lions’ back, suddenly proud to be associated with the consistently terrible squad, after all two regular season games. Statistically speaking, I’m talking the print record, not these preseason games.

Detroit is been deemed Hockeytown for years now, with the most likely conclusion that the Red Wings are actually a constantly good team.

Now that the Lions are on the rise to an ‘elite franchise,’ can we become Roartown in honor of our Honolulu blue feline friends? When the annual failure occurs we can change our slogan to Pussyville (because of the cat reference, dummy).

Now after 120 minutes of play, talk is being spread on all mediums, including radio and television critics and all the self-induced football experts on my Facebook, that we’ll have an MVP in Stafford. Better yet, get your champagne ready, the Lions are headed to the damn Super Bowl!

Say wha-wha-what? How can these bandwagon Lions fans, who dreaded the oncoming seasons for decades as tradition passed down from their fathers and grandfathers, jump to ridiculous conclusions two weeks into a five-month schedule?

The team is flourishing and doing decently for once, smashing in the faces of the Chiefs and making Tampa Bay suckle their own mothers. But let’s be frank, these are our Lions. We’ve rallied behind them before, only to witness the team in dismay with no coordination and direction.

Lions fans are the worst when it comes to these accidents. We build the team at exponential rates when they have a ‘hot streak’, which for them could be getting to practice on time, and next, tear them down even faster when their ass gets handed to them by last year’s Super Bowl champs.

When they fail, and trust me, they will disappoint sooner or later, the so-called fans will roast them worse than Charlie Sheen got railed the other night.

I agree the Lions do look on top of their game this season, improving on nearly all fronts from compared to 2010’s season, but I don’t think two games is really a good baseline for 15 more weeks of a grueling contact sport where injuries run amuck and things literally change within a moment.

I wish them the best in spite of my pessimistic outlook for two reasons – one, my Guinness Book streak of me being wrong will go unscathed, and two, we truly will be able to say we have a vastly improved, semi-successful football team in our town.

Just don’t go around jinxing the Lions. Be a fan, but not a fanatic, which I think comes from the term ‘lunatic’.

Watch the games and cheer them on and eat your fatty hot wings, but don’t cry like a five-year-old or throw a beer bottle at the TV when a pass is dropped or a defender breaks through the offensive line. That’s expected from these guys.

It’s what the Lions have gotten to be the best at – fan despondency. Good thing I’m half way there, so when 2-14 hits I’ll find other reasons to whine.