24 Hours in Kresge Library

By Brian Figurski

Now that Kresge Library is open 24 hours on weekdays, I decided I should embrace the college atmosphere and live in the library for an entire day. No breaks, just pure Hell.

2:49 PM. It has begun. Editor-in-Chief Kay Nguyen has me live streaming this ‘event’, so I can look like an idiot in real-time, saving me the hassle of editing video and crying at my bumbling husky appearance.

3:26 PM. I feel foolish because I have no idea who is watching this. Now I know how those girls in the pop-up ads on porno websites feel.

3:58 PM. I can’t believe an hour has expired already. I am going to venture around the library to check the other floors I have yet to see.

4:35 PM. Did you know Kresge Library is a non-smoking facility?

4:39 PM. So are the bathrooms.

5:09 PM. Getting more comfortable talking to a computer. The stares are becoming tolerable.

5:36 PM. Wayne State advertisements riddle the livestream video. My face alone promotes people to attend other schools.

5:50 PM. I’ve been here for three hours. I haven’t accomplished much yet. This is what I say about my life in terms of years on a consistent basis.

6:37 PM. Sat down with my first group of random students. I should have probably gotten that girls number. If you’re reading this, get at me, you’re pretty cute.

8:26 PM. My consciousness is fading quickly along with viewers. I fail to see how World Series Playoffs trumps this misadventure.

9:26 PM. Talking with the barista, Samantha. Free coffee is awesome.

10:00 PM. Freshening up to reassess what my goal is in this library. I think I need to apply myself to not being single anymore.

10:25 PM. Feeling so fresh and so clean. Awkward looks in the bathroom while applying shampoo and conditioner.

11:06 PM. Tried to go on a date and failed. Strike one. I’m shooting for three failed attempts. At least I tried. I think she was seventeen anyways.

11:15 PM. Live Q&A session while constructing and eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Guy next to me keeps giving me the eye. Not the sexy eye, but the “shut up before I knock you out” eye.

11:40 PM. Going to get more coffee before the shop closes up.

12 AM. Meeting a lot of cool people here, and it’s making me reconsider my pessimism. Midnight librarian thinks I’m hot.

1:23 AM. Creeping out some freshman. He is most likely going to drop out of school. Sorry for ruining your future in engineering, Matt.

2:01 AM. People are still talking to me online. What is wrong with you people.

3:10 AM. Being egged on by “Guesssst” to find them on the Fourth floor. I accept your challenge.

3:34 AM. “Guesssst” is not who they claim to be. I am now in a random conversation awaiting a three-part harmony to happen.

3:50 AM. Epic three part Beatles sing-a-long at the 13th hour. Why is this happening? I love my life.

4:00 AM. Second attempt at securing a date is a strikeout. Life goes on. Laugh at my misery. I hate my life.

4:46 AM. Shoeless and sockless. It feels fantastic. I might pass out.

5:10 AM. I need a cigarette and a pack of Red Bull stat.

6:16 AM. People are starting to trickle back into the library like my bladder is doing when I slip in and out of consciousness.

7:49 AM. My food rations has run dry. Desperately awaiting the café to reopen in ten minutes.

8:36 AM. The morning crowd is not having any of my shenanigans. The night owls were much more fun.

9:09 AM. I really should have taken a nap.

9:24 AM. I hate the sound my face makes. Disdain is returning rapidly. Where have all the cowboys gone?

10:03 AM. Ustream has blown up. This project has failed.

11:00 AM. I have lost my will to talk, to the computer and to others, and also my will to live in this library any further. I must trek on reluctantly.

1:37 PM. Got my energy back after nearly smashing my face with a book titled ‘Regret.’ Just biding my time until I… go meditate. Right now.

2:11 PM. Meditate just means take a nap.

I want to thank everyone that let me harass them over the last 24 hours.

I will never do this again.

In short, I do not recommend living in the library for a complete day. I am so burned out I am having difficulty thinking of anything compelling or witty to write.

This was like watching a train wreck carrying loads of dynamite crash into a bus full of tourists in slow motion.

For some videos highlighting 24 hours of my rise and fall, check out www.youtube.com/user/bdfigursOU.