Forget the Iowa Caucus, I would like to see the Republican contenders in a grudge match, in a steel cage set ablaze — the fire, of course, would be symbolic, representing the flames of passion of the Republican spirit.

It is my opinion that there is no more artful or logical a rebuttal to an argument than a steel chair wrapped in barbed wire.

Naturally, as the great philosopher George Carlin suggested, Americans would be deprived of their manufactured right to be distracted, were this pioneering experiment in edu-tainment not televised.

While watching this athletic opera, viewers would be able to vote their favorite buzzwords and phrases for candidates to adopt, including such favorites as “Founding Fathers,” “terrorism,” “sanctity of marriage” and “deregulation!”

This sort of spectacle could reinvigorate the U.S. interest in politics in a single prime-time hour, I daresay.

Let us not confine such an opportunity to a single evening.  This must be a serialized, extended series of feuds with bi-partisan turf wars, circa the pre-80s period of televised professional wrestling:  the good ole days.

Imagine a Joseph Lieberman, Barney Frank and Al Franken triumvirate, an unstoppable force of wind-and-solar power against the rebel Tea Party Caucus with the likes of David “The Mountain” McKinley, Diane “Bruiser” Black and “Homicidal” Howard Coble.

The battles over budget and ideology would be determined by whichever warriors could sell the most ads — a true Democracy. It would also, incidentally, determine the shape of the turfs or “districts.”

I want to see Barack Obama in a singlet — this is the end of my sentence.

The president would surely be the organizer of such a federation. He would be the Vince McMahon of the outfit.

At one time, it may have seemed like he had promise, in earlier days. Reality has set in and now he is resigned to call shots and politic behind the scenes, because that is what the commissioner does and it would be pure naivete to ever be persuaded otherwise.

After all, once any viewer reaches a certain age, usually around the time cigarette and “adult beverage” companies start covertly advertising to them, they will realize it was all fake.

 

Contact Senior Reporter Ray Andre via e-mail  at [email protected].