Abandon ship or abandon all hope

Man overboard! It’s all the rage these days, like dubstep or planking. It’s so booming that even the captain of the ship is jumping for joy, or for his own greedy safety.

Last week, the cruise liner Costa Concordia toppled over near the coast of Tuscany, Italy. Amid the panic of riders, Captain Francesco Schettino decided to resort to throwing himself overboard instead of doing the noble duty of assisting the passengers to safety.

This seems like the kind of weak willed alternative that I would resort to, a feat unworthy under any circumstances.

Piled on top of his daring act of self-centered survival, Schettino admitted the accident was avoidable and fault fell at his feet as he was navigating by sight out of the bay windows.

Remember the boaters’ safety test you took in junior high under the advisory of your creepy science teacher who wore sunglasses inside as a cover up to him peeping at the revealing clothing of your disgustingly undeveloped and underage female classmates? I’m positive the lot of those 12 and 13-year-olds would have been better off at the helm.

The Costa Concordia is a state-of-the-art ship, the freshest kind that generally runs on autopilot, a GPS guided course set. Thus, commanding a ship seems a job suited for the inept.

Probably still a horrible idea, but the command system often requires more monitoring than direct navigating.

Now Schettino is facing multiple charges due to his negligence, including manslaughter, causing a shipwreck and abandoning ship, a potential 15 years of prison idling in the dock.

Captain Jackass must be regretting his choice to swim to safety now possibly having to walk a different plank.

Lucky news to all the survivors of the crash — get 30 percent off your next Carnival cruise!

Who thought that marketing scheme would be a good idea? Reimbursing the fees from the fallen Concordia, yes, but assuming any of those traumatized passengers will want to travel by way of water again is a ridiculous thought.

Denying any former passenger seems like a more acceptable offer, or 30 percent off a Disney cruise instead.

There must be some consequences to the ill responsibility displayed on that voyage. When the captain consciously decides to pull a stunt for the shore-going public like the one he had planned, sailing within 150 meters of the coast (that is until his idea went topside,) repercussions have to be felt, endangering so many people.

If you can’t be trustworthy in a position where lives are at stake, than don’t do the job. If you want to thrash to death metal during driving, don’t drive a school bus full of children.

If you plan on playing Angry Birds during your shift, don’t pilot an airplane.

The exception to this rule is only Nicholas Cage in Con-Air. That is the only acceptable time you should sporadically fly an airplane.

Hullabaloo hangs in the murky waters for Schettino’s future, but it seems unified that the public wants vengeance for the negligence.

Jack Sparrow would be sorely disappointed. He could steer a ship drunk as a mother, and this guy has difficulty following the blipping green dots.


Contact multimedia reporter Brian Figurski via e-mail at [email protected]. Follow him on Twitter @WhatDidBeefSay