A moat? Why is Oakland University building a moat?

By Brian Figurski

There are a lot of things on campus that need to be tended to with funding — parking lot problems, new building, finding a funny Mouthing Off writer, digging a moat, so on and so forth.

Wait, what? A moat? What’s the importance of building a moat?

That’s a good question with no sufficient answer, as that is where more funds are being funneled.

The current response to a flurry of nasty tweets and Internet bashings is that the moat will be constructed around the Human Health Building to minimize its impact on the environment and preserve the marshy ecosystem. It’ll be a great home for Oakland County’s natural inhabitants of crocodiles, piranhas and lampreys.

I imagine masses donned in sheath armor, gathered together encompassing a round table when this topic came to surface. Please leave your swords at the door.

While this is a sporadic and offbeat initiative, I think this could open up a drawbridge of opportunities.

The first of my hopes is that I can finally achieve my proposed bachelor’s degree in medieval weaponry. I have immense skills with battle-axes and morning stars. To use my God-given talent I’ve been blessed with would be wonderful.

I’ve said it since I became a Golden Grizzly a creative writing degree is useless in the real world. We need to accommodate to the revival of fifth century battle apparel.

I’m still the only member of “Medieval Weaponry at OU” on Facebook.

Speaking of being a proud bear — sorry, Grizz, we’re condemning you into the iron maiden. We can be the Golden Gladiators or Dragonslayers. Perhaps that’d get the card-wielding students in the dungeons of the Oakland Center to come out and play.

I’ve said multiple times we need more sporting events on campus. Now we can capitalize on the situation — jousting! And wouldn’t it be more exciting to watch the swim team race each other while avoiding the jaws of death from sea creatures, and the track team outrun flaming arrows being pelted from the peaks of the castle keep?

OU Student Congress will no longer have a president, nor will it be a democracy of any kind. The king of campus shall rule the plebeians below.

Seriously, what’s next? The construction of a concrete wall surrounding campus, built by the peasants … erm, freshmen? We can pull up the drawbridge to keep the haters out, and the transfer students. Hell, draw it up when students go to transfer out like a real monarchy would.

I understand the good intentions of building a moat, but I don’t think its creation is going to look very professional. It sounds like a joke, and when it finally fills to the brim with murky muddy water and the fanfare of French horns cascades on campus, the school will be scoffed upon.

I’m not sure anything can stop the impending arrival of this dreaded trench besides a good ol’ uprising, but I’ll be damned if we let a potentate rise to power and I don’t get crowned the kingdom jest. That, or crucified and burned alive, just as our European counterparts would’ve wanted.